Dear Chili

Fairy: Chili, stop being cheesy.

I'm not being cheesy, Mom. Stop interrupting. Anyway, I have always been asked for advice. This is something I absolutely love to give, but unfortunately I do not have the time to answer all these questions in person at that exact moment. Sometimes it takes a while for me to tell them the answer, and by then they get very impatient and criticize my chosen advice.

Fairy: Believe me, he needs help. Sometimes he comes home in tears.

Moooom!

Fairy: Oops. Go on.

Um... anyway, I have decided to create an advice column. This way I can take time to answer questions without impatient Neopians getting angry. I also get to read letters with the option of re-reading them without straining my ears to hear the Neopian's question exactly. Yay! Ok, intro done. Let's get on with the questions!

Dear Chili,

I have three brothers, and boy, are they annoying! They have lately gotten into tricking people. However, I believe they have gone too far! Yesterday they dumped a bucket of water on me when I walked into the kitchen, and I am painted fire, so you can believe how painful THAT is. My owner has no idea what's going on, and she doesn't believe me when I tell her because she thinks my brothers are tiny angels. Please tell me what to do! D:

~Pranked Peophin

Dear Pranked,

Ai-ai-ai. Brothers sometimes. My baby brother always gets away with everything, even when he is clearly guilty. You need to tell your brothers to stop. They may or may not listen to you. They probably will stop if you speak firmly and angrily. Don't cry. However, if they don't listen to you, go to your owner after a prank is played on you. Say they dumped mud on you. If you go to your owner and tell them, she will definitely believe you. I really wish you luck! Now, if you excuse me, I have to go find Fairy and tattle on Kuiper.

Dear Chili,

I am a normal yellow Usul. However, I have a group of friends who are all expensively painted. My best friend just got painted, and that finishes our group of expensively painted pets, except me. I'm like a sore yellow thumb among a sea of faerie and pirate pets. My group has suddenly started ignoring me and sitting with the popular kids at lunch and playing with them at recess. I really want them back, but they won't listen to me. They were the only friends I had. Help!

~Friendless Freak

Dear Friendless,

Sounds like you need some new friends! Anybody who judges you based on color is not a very good friend. Get some new ones that won't ditch you the moment they see you aren't faerie or Maraquan or pirate or plushie or royal. I am painted split, which isn't exactly amazingly awesome. However, my friends still like me for who I am inside. Make sure you don't make the same mistake your friends did.

Dear Chili,

My owner constantly puts me in the Neolodge, even when she isn't going anywhere. I am extremely upset because I feel like she doesn't care for me, especially since she puts me in the Mountain Lodge with only the swimming pool. She never plays with me and the moment she sees I'm out, she sticks me back in. I try telling her how I feel but she says something like, "I'm busy." or tries to change the subject. I feel neglected. How do I get my feelings across without making her feel bad or letting her blow it off?

~Neglected Pet

Dear Neglected,

Your owner seems pretty ignorant of your needs. The best thing to say about her behavior is that she's letting you be fed. Next time you try to tell her, if she says something on the lines of, "I'm busy,", tell her, "I know you're busy, but this is extremely important to me." Keep saying that until she finally listens. If she changes the subject, like, "It's really hot today, isn't it?", change the subject right back with, "I know it's hot, but don't change the subject. I dislike how you're neglecting me."

Dear Chili,

My pets seem to all love me! I know that they should, but they're overwhelming me with love. I have four, and they all give me presents every day and hug me constantly. The money for the presents is going down the drain, because half of them are just for show!

~Loved in the Lost Desert

Dear Loved,

I think you should simply love them back! Not as in giving them presents too much, just hugging them back and spending time together. Break up arguments, bring them on shopping trips, occasionally give them the special treat. Be kind, and people (and pets!) will be kind back.

Dear Chili,

My owner is very rich. She lets us have whatever we want, when we want. We own a mansion on the wealthiest lane of Neopia Central. We have tons of things. Pets at school recently figured out this fact of my life, and now they are teasing me, calling me spoiled and snobby. I hate these rude comments. I want to go back to a normal life, but I doubt that'll happen. It isn't even my fault!

~Rich Girl

Dear Rich,

Yikes. What an unpleasant situation. You can't help your wealthiness, however pets and classmates are teasing you about it. I say do something about it! When somebody calls you spoiled, say, "That wasn't necessary. I can't help my wealth. If you've got a problem, talk to my owner." Say it firmly so the bully knows you mean business. If they call you snobby, say, "Excuse me? I'm just as snobby as you." or something so clever they'll stop in their tracks. Unfortunately, my owner is as good as making money as a donut--

Fairy: Hey!

--so I can't relate.

Hopefully, these will help people with their problems. More advice makes everything nice. Good night, everybody.

Fairy: Seriously, Chili? It's 10:00 in the morning.

Ugh!

Author's Note: Yayness I made it YAY! Expect more from Chili... and I do NOT have the money-making skills of a donut!