I Tried Gross Foods So You Don't Have To

I’m not a very negative person, so I decided to list the pros and cons of each “dish,” along with my first reaction to it. If you’re squeamish, stop reading now. If you’re like me and have no standards for what you consume with regards to food OR media, keep reading.

Cup of Pustulence

I’ve always said I would try anything once, even if that means drinking whatever just came out of someone else’s leaky sore. Best case scenario, I have to be rushed to the hospital. Worst case scenario, a would-be employer hears about this and holds it against me. Still, I made a not-especially binding promise to myself that I would do this, so there’s no turning back now.

First impression: It’s just chowder it’s just chowder it’s just chowder yes I know chowder is still disgusting but it beats whatever this actually is

Pros: If I plug my nose, the smell is more like 3 piles of fresh Meridell dung instead of 5.

Cons: This almost definitely gave me food poisoning, or a new plague of some sort. I truly don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea to do this first. I don’t know if I can go on. If a Magic Cookie doesn’t solve whatever this is, it’s been nice knowing all of you.

Final verdict: No.

Aggressive Casserole

In general, I’m not a big fan of things you throw in the oven in Thursday night desperation, despite the convenience. However, I thought the face was equal parts hilarious and unsettling, so I added this casserole to my “Try” list.

First impression: Already this is better than the diseased pus I drank a moment ago! It looks like mud and it might have some mold on it, but it certainly isn’t the worst thing I’ve had today. Plus, the name makes it stand out; I admire its passion.

Pros: Definitely contains at least 20 screams of the dead...

Cons: …but who knows how many calories?

Final verdict: I suppose there are worse ways to get your daily values?

Ectoplasm Nachos

Who doesn’t love a good plate of nachos? (Maybe the ghosts who had their slime harvested to make this, but they aren’t really my target audience here.) These Ectoplasm Nachos are fairly simple, the kind you make when you don’t have much left in your pantry, but they might do the trick. Of course, there’s only one way to find out. (Pay an intern to taste these for me, then take credit for their words?)

First impression: Gooey! Off to a great start. The sides of the tray could be taller, but mostly because I’m worried about getting goop on my clothes. The chips are all pretty much the same size, which means even ectoplasm distribution.

Pros: The ectoplasm is still better than a lot of processed cheese I’ve had. It came with its own tray, so I didn’t have to do dishes after.

Cons: The tiny ghosts kept booing me, and it made me feel a little discouraged.

Final verdict: Not too bad, but they could use some more toppings.

Parts on a Pizza

Technically, a pizza can be anything, so long as you have dough and at least one other thing to put on it, or, in this case, several small body parts of unknown origin to put on it. Were these stolen from a grave? Were they found on the street? Were they “donated” by the original creator? Who knows, the mystery’s all part of the fun!

First impression: Fun name! Alliteration won’t make me feel any better about eating eyeballs and Fyora knows what else, but it’ll certainly add something to the story for parties. It looks to be a regular pizza, and I’m sure if I picked all the gross parts off I would enjoy it. Thankfully I could buy it fully cooked, so I didn’t have to learn what it would smell like to heat it up.

Pros: It’s pizza.

Cons: It has eyeballs on it, and I have no way of knowing whether or not they were ethically sourced.

Final verdict: I guess, if I absolutely had to.

The Stuff

You’ve noticed by now that I love a good mystery, so why not taste the ultimate mystery? Simply referred to as “The Stuff,” this could literally be anything. Is it part of a Neoschool lunch from six years ago? Is it an out-of-control wad of my belly button lint, so long ago forgotten that I found it in my Neohome and mistook it for a gross food item? Is it the answer to all there is and all there ever will be in the universe? I certainly hope not, because I’m going to eat it.

First impression: It has absolutely no odor. In fact, I can barely perceive this with any of my senses. Who brought this here?

Pros: It doesn’t taste like much of anything, so it isn’t terribly offensive. If you’re going to eat a mystery lump, that’s a major bonus.

Cons: I think it winked at me?

Final Verdict: Anything I can eat blindfolded and not be able to determine anything about is okay in my book.

Buttered Watermelon

I deserve a break, do I not? After all I’ve eaten today (in hindsight, I should have done this over several days), some Buttered Watermelon almost sounds nice. Maybe that’s the sign of a broken woman, but I’m going to press on, even if I have to let my palate relax for a bit first.

First impression: They definitely weren’t kidding around with the butter on this. It’s going to be a task to get through this, but I have to remember: I did this to myself.

Pros: Easily the best thing I’ve tried, even if I wouldn’t eat it again. The textures don’t match up too well, and I wouldn’t recommend the flavor combination either, but it’s not gruel.

Cons: It made my watch two days slow?

Final Verdict: Decent, but not worth the missing time.

I decided to end my taste test on a slightly higher note, and take my nauseous self to bed. I hope you all enjoyed my suffering, and if you didn’t, feel free to Neomail anyone else about it.