 Jhudora’s Guide to Valentine’s Gift Giving
by iwonder
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‘Bleeding hearts of the world, unite! It’s time for the sappiest of holidays, Valentine’s Day. If you just recently felt like you took a dagger to the heart (rest in pieces old relationships), you may not want to celebrate such a love-filled event. And who could blame you really? But why should all the ones happily in love get to have all the fun? Valentine’s Day is a day to send your loved ones a message of appreciation, but why not also take the opportunity to send your past loves a message of, if not love, then of scorn and heartbreak? Some say the best revenge is living well and not paying any attention to your ex, I say pah! Anyone who says that just hasn't found the right gift that really shows what you think of your former sweethearts. Now, let’s get on with it! Here I present you with a non-traditional gift guide to the happy heart holiday, 13 marvellous gifts to send to that formerly special someone. Enjoy!’ Jhudora smiles at you with a crooked grin, and starts rattling off her list…
Black Tears Makeup
Nothing says ‘I want to forgive you - and I want to forget you’ quite like black tears running down your face. Obviously, we don’t want to be seen crying over such insignificant people as our exes, but giving them this gift will offer them the opportunity to use it, and see the pain they caused every time they look in the mirror. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the saddest, after all?
Broken Heart Candy
The standard heart candy will say such things as ‘Be Mine’, ‘Je t’aime’, ‘Me + You’, and ‘Be My Hero’. Barf, no thank you! These ones still come in all the colours of the rainbow, but with messages such as ‘Go Away’, ‘Je deteste’, ‘Me Without You’, and ‘You’re a Zero’. Such an improvement!
Cackling Negg
While most people may opt to send a more Valentines-themed negg, like the aptly named Valentines Negg, Heart Shaped Negg, or Cupid Negg, why not go for something a little more… laugh-in-your-face evil? I know I enjoy laughing at the ones who thought they’d do better than me. Hah! As if.
Broken Heart Handheld
If you felt like your heart was literally about to break in half when your relationship ended, what’s more fitting than an actual broken heart to give to the person who broke yours? A great gift for the ex who had trouble reading subtle hints, and needs something more visual to understand just how much pain they caused.
Devil Grarrl Horn
Who was it that said ‘I am the Devil, and don’t you forget it!’..? Me, probably. This gift will serve as a reminder of who your ex is dealing with. Or, it could also mean that you consider them the worst possible person. The dual meaning of this pair of horns is sublime.
Broken Heart Tombstone
Nothing says ‘this relationship is permanently over’ quite like a tombstone. If there’s definitely no hope of reconciliation, this is the gift for you. Sure, you could just ghost them, but what’s to say they’d truly understand the grave-ity of the situation? I say, it’s time to put the nail in the coffin for this particular relationship!
A Tale of Love and Loyalty
This book will send a helpful hint to whomever you give it to, that maybe they’re lacking in the loyalty department. The perfect gift for anyone who betrayed you, to make sure to really drive home the point that it’s not something you’ll ever forget.
All Seeing Urn
The description of this item may claim that it will bring the owner good luck, but this gift is more to serve as a reminder. You know that I know what you did, and I know that you know that I know. You know? I knew what you were doing all along, I just didn’t always felt the need to show my hand.
Love Hurts
As the description of this book says, it will tell the reader all about how and why love hurts. Why not give this gift in combination with a handwritten note, detailing just how and why this particular book is a fitting tribute to your (un)dying love?
Torn Homemade Valentine
If you can’t be bothered writing a whole new handwritten note to go with your Love Hurts book, then last year’s Mysterious Valentines Card makes a fantastic re-gift. Also a great way to save on the environment! Just tear it into teeny tiny little shreds, I say.
A Plague Upon You!
Sometimes, we’re not able to wish the people who hurt us a happy and joyful rest of their life. This gift wishes the receiver an unfortunate event, which might just be what they deserve. Plagues maybe is a step too far, but fortunately this one rarely works… if I remember correctly.
Breaking Hearts Garland
If you’re about to move out of your shared home, don’t forget to decorate with this garland before you leave. Some say leaving things behind is a bad excuse to see your ex again, but in this case you don’t want to go back to pick this up. This is especially good if they contributed poorly to the housekeeping, as they’ll be too lazy to remove the garland, and subsequently have to see it day after day.
Burning Rose Bouquet
If your ex tries to get you back this Valentine by sending you a Gift of a Bouquet of Roses, promptly set it on fire and send it back. That bridge is burned, and so are these pathetic flowers! ‘That’s it, that’s the list. Take it or leave it, I don’t actually care. Now shoo, I need to finish this little concoction in peace. For what purpose you ask? Well, I can’t really tell you, just that it has something to do with another faerie… oh, I’ve already said too much!’ *poof* Jhudora vanishes in a swirling puff of green and purple smoke, and you’re left wondering if maybe, just maybe, your heart has shrunk enough sizes this Valentine’s for you to take her gift giving advice.
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