Faerie Friends: How to Win a Winged Gal in 5 Ways

     The problem? While our wildest daydreams may supply delusions aplenty wherein we might befriend our favourite maiden, these mental fanfictions often lack a sense of…well, sense. Bridging the gap between fandom and friendship takes more than wishful thinking.

     Fear not, ye gawky and wingless! I, Beaufurred Vandalion, have deduced a foolproof formula for securing a Faerie’s undying affection. How, you ask? Why, by doing everything imaginable to lose it. You see, in my quest to court the faeries’ favour, zealousness led me to make many a hasty foible. Yet, after 476 consecutive failures (and a short stint pleading for mercy outside of their pearly gates after a teensy-weensy altercation my lawyers called “the most pathetic grovelling seen on this side of the Kadoatery”), nothing has deterred me – which means nothing can stop you. Now, who would like to learn from a professional fumbler?

     Way #1: Execute Requests Exactly as Instructed

     Our benevolent neighbours bestow their extravagant blessings with the utmost willingness…well, so long as we supply them with whatever sacrifice strikes their fancy. If you’re lucky enough to be entrusted with their grocery lists, the faeries will reward your errand-fetching with a hefty sprinkling of their specific magic. Problem is? Their requests come with a no substitution policy. Perhaps that seems elementary to you. To others of us (who will, for their theoretical safety, remain nameless), these seemed more “suggestion” than “demand”.

     In the most hypothetical of senses, let’s pretend that a particular Fire Faerie has a hankering for one of those Mystery Meat Sandwiches that plagued many an elementary school cafeteria. Now, you might consider those a national travesty (your words, not mine). Perhaps you think “I could do better than that” and create your own variation of this classic atrocity. But trust me: the faeries possess immaculate palates. They will, in fact, identify that you replaced any actual meat with an inextricable amalgamation of crushed beans and Strength Shrooms. “But you can’t even tell,” you claim. To which I say: yes. We can tell. Test that theory at your own risk – the only mystery about this meat will be how fast you can flee Faerieland before risking a burnt behind.

     Way #2: Don’t Dawdle on Quest Completion

     When these ladies go looking for quest-takers, they’re not expecting you to come waltzing back with their cravings weeks later. They need you to spend billions of Neopoints on an item missing from any viable marketplace now! What, you think they care that you have a job? A thriving social life? A date with the girl you’ve known since junior high who wouldn’t give you the time of day until you practically fell to your knees and begged her to accept your invitation to a fancy, all-expenses-paid dinner at the hottest steakhouse in town? They do not. Nor should you!

     “But Beaufurred”, you whine, “how am I supposed to clear my schedule on a whim?” That, dear readers, sounds like a personal problem. Lucky for you, I have an incurable need to fix people who probably don’t deserve it.

     Before you understand your assignment, you’ll need to keep an eye (or three – don’t want the Mutant Usul community cancelling me again) out for any air-faring faeriefolk. Binoculars help, as do the magic detectors sold by shady pets in darkened alleyways. Find yourself in their sights and brace for impact. Immediately inform your boss that you’re “sick” and need “coverage” for your “shift”. Just don’t be like me and include the air quotes.

     Once you have a quest in hand, you’ll need to forsake whatever societal obligations bog you down and dart to the nearest storefront.

     Spend your life savings on that luxury good and hightail it back to whatever glade or bluff or frost-biting ice cave you came from so you don’t delay these ladies’ happiness.

     Way #3: Fulfil Requests in Appropriate Attire

     The faeries are a fashionable folk, to be sure, but few require their quest-takers to share their taste in threads. If they did, any of us relics of the pre-Y12 era would’ve been hauling bottles and baubles up to the clouds in bellbottoms and crop tops. That does not, however, give the fashionably-challenged an excuse to insult-by-outfit either.

     Let me be abundantly clear: no faerie will take kindly to your “I Heart Balthazar” tee. No, having “The Darkest Faerie Was Right” printed on your back pockets will not earn you any brownie points. These ladies crave items, not irony. You’re probably wondering why I – er, well, anyone of comparable innocence and intelligence – would do this. And to answer that, I would like to quote a great scholar of our time: “everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days”. If Hannah Montonu says nobody’s perfect, then that I do believe that absolves me of any fashion-related faux pas.

     Way #4: Support their Passions

     What better way to tighten a newfound bond than letting someone babble excitedly about their latest fixations? Lucky for us, the Faeries tend to stick to one lane. The more you listen to their ramblings, you might discover what us feeble mortals would consider “oddities”. If you value your all-too-short lifespan, do not question them. Eager to chat up the Wheel of Excitement Faerie about the suspiciously-malicious possibilities? Sure, one spot’s got a literal devil painted on it while another can inflict you with ailments akin to ye olde plagues, but is that not worth landing on the question mark space for the sixth day in a row and winning back less Neopoints than you spent to spin it? (The answer – if you’d like to keep being welcomed in this land – is “yes”).

     If you find yourself schmoozing smoothly, consider sprinkling in mentions of your own pursuits...unless said interests include bottle collection. In fact, better to let them believe you’ve never owned a vessel in your life. Don’t even mention what you transport liquids in – imply you slurp your water straight from the stream. Best to let them think you a barbarian instead of a faerie bottler.

     Still struggling? Below I’ve included a handy-dandy chart on how you can properly communicate about a Faeries’ potential interests…

     DO: “Why yes, Illusen, it makes sense to hold a long-standing grudge against Jhudora without any outspoken evidence or forthright explanation.”

     DON’T: “Whaaaaat? You, evil for allegedly enslaving a horde of minions? No, not at all, you’re so crazy, Jhudora! …wait. No. I-I didn’t mean crazy, I meant–”

     DO: “Of course the old folk appreciate your constant replacement of their expensive dentures with fresh pennies, Tooth Faerie.”

     DON’T: “Baelia, I’m here to hangout so that we can…uh...man, what is it you like to do again? Right right, sit in the corner and wallow about the daily horrors of existence! …wait, no, please don’t cry, I just–”

     Way #5: Support their Businesses

     The kids these days seem to think…oh, what was the term…“we stand a slaying queen”? Complete gibberish, if you ask me, but its general sentiment applies here: these folks pour their whole hearts into their endeavours and they deserve due patronage!

     Take, for example, Our Lady of Overpriced Products: Queen Fyora. Not only does she preside over us peons with glamour and grace, but she’s also got a side hustle selling high-priced wares out of a secret window. If that doesn’t deserve the emptied wallets of society’s elite, I don’t know what does! But, if you’re a registered member of the middle class like myself, you might be tempted to wait for those rumoured “Discount Days” where those luxuries slip into a peasant’s price range. While I’m not implying that Her Sparkliness keeps track of those who only stop in on bargain days, would I be surprised if the Wheel of Excitement just so happened to keep inflicting said cheapskates with maladies aplenty the week after their conveniently-timed shopping trips? Well…if the wingspan fits. Not that I – a loyal and frequent patron of stores that are definitely not located in conspicuously-placed towers – would know.

     This goes doubly for any business dealings you may have for those wishing to split profits with our fellow entrepreneurs. Care to carve out a niche in the Neggery? Best not to hand over a nest’s worth of regular eggs with DIY smiles hand-painted on. Looking for a nook in Seshatia’s library? Hot tip: don’t leave a review for “Illusen and Jhudora – The Untold Story” that says “one out of five stars, needs more yearning” in the margins of the acknowledgements. These underrated tips can keep your patronage complimentary without unintentionally patronising your business partners.

     With this quintet of tips at your disposal, you’ll have Faeries aplenty flocking to your side! Take these failures – or, as I like to call them, “pre-victories” – and use them to make every lady’s day a little more magical. When you do, I don’t suppose you’d mind putting in a good word for your old buddy, Beaufurred, would you? Naia still won’t return my Neomail…