| GAMES ROOM - After researching countless minutes for my Snow War theories, I have
found one unanswerable question, something that will stump neopet truth- and fact-finders
like me until year 20.
Why don’t more Neopians have gold Snow War trophies?
I know you want to read about the last four odd Snow Wars opponents, but really,
this lack of catapult trophies is absurd! If you have inhabited Neopia for more
than a few months, you should have a gold catapult on a wooden platform in your
trophy collection. Go look, right now! Well, do you?
I didn’t think so.
Before we move on to the final opponents you should know that there is no
reason not to have that extra special shiny award, and that displaying your
Snow Wars trophy draws more attention to a wonderful, highly underrated game.
Boring serious time over; ridiculous theory time begins.
Roboball: the robotic tool of Sloth designed to take over Happy Valley, an
important center of trade, and therefore rule the world. Of course not! What
kind of poorly thought out, unrealistic idea is that? Though I still want to
know what in all asparagus world metal joints are doing in a land of ice and
snow and strange little dancing Chias in fur-lined coats. So the green laser
eyes don’t radiate integrity. Who needs candor when your friendly rival can
bend the laws of nature and make himself immune to the wear away of metal?
The similarities between the Snow Cone and Roboball are extraordinary: metal
joints, penetrating eyes, a certain evil grin. As inventive as the NeoPets team
have proven themselves to be, don’t you think Snow Wars characters merit better
names than “Roboball”?
Defeating Roboball earns you double pawfulls of icy snowballs, my favourite
snowball in terms of appearances. A silver trophy is nothing to sneeze at, either...
The Tree: intimidating, impressive, majestic. Huh?
It’s a tree for snow Faerie’s sake! A Ponderous Pine*, to be exact, but nevertheless,
it’s a tree. What’s it doing hurling snowballs about?
I searched. I found the ugly truth, a truth so bare and plain even Christmas
lights couldn’t make it pretty. Well, maybe they could.
The Tree was once a Christmas tree, a domesticated tree, the kind grown in
spare plots of NeoHome land to be sold by cute little Usuls in uniforms. Destined
for a loving family’s living room, to be covered with bangles and trinkets,
Tree’s sibling saplings were content. Tree wanted more. The rule of a small
country would do for starters.
Tree was a fine, well-proportioned plant in his younger seasons, and was chosen
by a small herd of Unis as their fancy foliage (as Unis refer to their Christmas
trees) of the winter season. The days of abject humiliation! Coated in a thick
layer of plastic, golden, and jelly ornaments, Tree could hardly see the harsh
florescent lighting through his mass of ruined needles. As soon as the happy
season was through, Tree was unceremoniously tossed into the garbage heap. Lying
suffocated beneath mounds of broken blue long hair brushes and empty bottles
of Uni shampoo, Tree vowed that he would eventually rule the entire land of
Neopia. He decided to start small.
At this point the records became vague, but somehow Tree managed to reach
Happy Valley. I am still not clear on the accounts of a conspiracy with a nameless
green character that “had a really bad hair day every day,” Neopia may never
know.
Upon reaching Happy Valley, Tree came to the understanding that he would have
to start smaller than he had hoped. Thus, Snow Wars gained its eighth opponent...
From the Tree expect to receive two sticky snowballs. Unless you mention holiday
shopping in his hearing, of course.
The superstars of Neopia are well-known. M*YNCI, Blue Kacheek Group, you name
it. Not every star is a superstar. A little Star found that out the hard way.
Kicked out of clubs and guilds, no neopet cared to hear him recite poems, sing,
dance, and certainly not witness his comedy routine. He bumped his head tumbling,
was almost squashed playing Gormball, and stuttered too much to attempt Neopian
Acting Academy. In short, he would always be a Star but never a superstar. Worst
of the worst, though, most Neopians insisted on referring to him as a “nova”,
some strange brand of slang word. He was forced to find the one place without
a star of its own... little Happy Valley. Being a Battledome sort of creature,
little Star was no stranger to hurling various objects with all his inconsiderable
might. Snow Wars has become the perfect stage for the greatest superstar of
all--Super Star, Opponent #9.
Super Star will present you with twin snow mud balls upon his defeat. Applaud
him enthusiastically, that is if you want to see Neopia Central again...
“Eww, what is that thing?”
“Mommy, buy me that new Monster Hair Usuki Set, NOW!”
“Gee, Joe_7Z9X44F, I dunno, I reckon it’s one o’ those escaped clown creeturs.”
“According to the documentary, it’s an antisocial transmogrified...”
These are the kinds of comments Tentar is accustomed to hearing. Monster,
mutant, Jabberwocky: she’s been called them all. When just a young Tentacula
she was intent on having her long grayish-blue hued hair winning the Neopoo
Silky Long Hair Contest, a promotional yearly contest held by a once popular
shampoo company. Unfortunately, she blew away the competition, winning the contest
and a part in the next commercial. The stage fright from the experience traumatized
her for life; she became so shy she hid behind her formidable curtain of hair
constantly. Snow Wars has given her a chance to hide from the limelight behind
her dangerous catapult. I wonder what Super Star would have to say to that?
In closing, I have one last bossy order to give you. Win at the very least
a silver Snow Wars trophy before you read another article of mine. If you haven’t
gotten at least a silver trophy in a few weeks, you had best have a decent excuse.
And telling me you were giving Dr_Death a day off by helping out at the pound
isn’t a good reason, either.
*Not to be confused with the Ponderosa Pine
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