30 Neomails I Don't Want at 7 a.m.

I fumbled to open the letter (owing to the fact that I was half awake) and stared at the writing on the page.

“What day is it?!” was written down in a rather messy scrawl, giving the impression of it having been written in an urgent rush. It was a friend of mine and fellow Neopian who shall remain nameless so as to not have his… shall we say, strange tendencies be displayed to the Neopian world.

Needless to say, I was not pleased, but nevertheless inspired to write this article. Without further ado, I bring you THE TOP 30 INSTANT NEOMAILS I DON’T WANT TO RECEIVE AT 7 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING!

30 – “This is the Chia Police. Your Lupe was found near the scene of a recent pizza store robbery. We brought him in for questioning but… well… let’s just say that some of our Chia Officers will never be the same again. Please come collect your Lupe so we can come down from the top of this bookcase.”

29 – “The mad scientist from the lab ray writing in regards to a lab… incident. I kind of accidentally zapped Uni with the wrong ray… could you please come and collect your pile of sludge formerly known as Liberte_Real?”

28 – “Doctor Sloth here. Can Eldalie come out and play?!”

27 – “This is the Neopian Adoption Agency, Dr_Death. Please come collect your Lupe. He’s wandering around the cages shouting for a revolt and demanding that everyone be fed Easter Neggs for breakfast.”

26 – “Quick, Alethea! Do you know what day it is?!”

25 – “Hi it’s Brucey B. Tell Shadow I want my lucky coin back NOW!”

24 – “Peopatra’s Pet Pets. I’m looking for a Mr. Strawberry. His shipment of 6000 Wadjets has arrived.”

23 – “This is Sidney of Deserted Fair Scratchcards. Strawberry, BRING MY HAT BACK THIS INSTANT!”

22 – “Hello I’m writing from just outside the Meridell Rubbish Dump. Your pets are… well… swimming through the dump yelling ‘Christmas has come early!’ ”

21 – “This is the Department of Incurably Delinquent Pets. Now, about your Gelert…”

20 – “I’m writing from the Pick Your Own section of Meri Acres Farm. Your Lupe is in a tug-of-war match over some dung with the Gelert in charge…”

19 – “Hello this is Jhuidah. Your pets just dived into the cooking pot… I’ll let you know when they come out… if we can recognise them at all that is…”

18 – “Fyora here. Your Lupe just did a face-plant into the wall of the Hidden Tower. Could you please come clean up the mess he’s left?”

17 – “Sloth Fan Club writing to return a letter from one Mr. Shadow. Oh, and another from Mr. Eldalie.”

16 – “This is the manager of The Golden Dubloon writing. Could you kindly come and pay Mr. Strawberry’s two hundred dubloon tab sometime today?”

15 – “Manager of The Golden Dubloon again. While you’re at it, could you also pay Mr. Shadow’s five hundred dubloon tab today?”

14 – “This is the Usukiland shopkeeper. Your pets broke in last night and drew faces all over every Usuki in stock with permanent black marker.”

13 – “Congratulations! Your Draik has just made the LARGEST order of hotdogs ever! As soon as you pay the two hundred and sixty-five thousand Neopoints owed, you’ll be entitled to a spectacular prize; a ‘MY PET MADE ME BROKE BY ORDERING HOTDOGS!’ badge!”

12 – “You are now entitled to use the ‘My pets are criminals’ avatar on the neoboards!”

11 – “Your Lupe has just broken a record by eating five hundred and fifty rainbow donuts in a row.”

10 – “Hello I’m a Battledome official writing from the Stone Battledome. Your Gelert appears to be having an emotional breakdown and is screaming ‘that Chia Clown cheated I tell you!’ – he’s disturbing other battlers. Please come and collect him as soon as possible.”

9 – “Um, hi. This is the Snowager. I employed Shadow to watch my treasure pile while I went on holiday for a while… thing is, everything appears to be gone. May I have a word with him?”

8 – “Your shadow Gelert broke in and got a hold of some of the morphing potions. Please come collect your yellow Jubjub. – Kauvara.”

7 – “FOR THE LAST TIME! White Weewoos and Jelly World DO NOT EXIST! We won’t say it again! This is your final warning.”

6 – “This is the Meepit conspiracy cult… I mean, the ‘Everything is Fine and Meepits Aren’t Out to Get Us’ organisation! We would just like to inform you that EVERYTHING IS FINE! There is NO REASON to fear the Meepits… none at all…”

5 – “Hi I’m writing from the ‘Just Accept It’ organisation! I’vet been instructed to tell you to just accept that you’re NEVER going to score as many trophies as stoneman3x… let’s face it – NO ONE WILL!”

4 – “Bonjour ! Nous sommes juste appelant pour parler dans une langue que vous ne comprenez pas pour vous confondre ! Nous NE sommes pas agréables ?” (which, very roughly translated means: “Hello! We are just writing to speak in a language you don't understand to confuse you! Aren't we nice?” but that’s beside the point)

3 – “I’m calling from Brightvale Scrollery. Your Draik just robbed us. We tried to stop him but he used our own scrolls of freezing against us. Could you please come and unfreeze us?”

2 – “This is the owner of the Wheel of Monotony. Your Gelert has passed out from boredom. Come collect him from the pile of pets that have done the same.”

1 – “Hello this is the Neopian Times office. We regret to inform you that your article has been rejected - in future, when trying to be funny; don’t. Or at least grow a sense of humour first.” (not that our dear Snowflake would ever say that – but I’ll bet you she wants to after reading this! ;] )

Obligatory after note: My pets aren’t REALLY criminals… I think… At any rate, any questions/comments/theories on an international conspiracy involving Meepits are welcomed ^_^ Also, huge shout-outs to all the members of my guild the NTAG. Thanks so much to everyone there that gave me help and advice with this article ^_^