The Sibling's Guide to Taking Villains Lightly

To All of Neopia,

Panic has swept the population since the release of the heinous letter A Villain’s Guide to Being Taken Seriously, written by my notorious brother, Mr_Cuppacakes.

But there is hope. Stop the villainy before it escalates. I call upon the owners and siblings of bullies and naughty Neopets to save Neopia from evil.

Living with Dr. Sloth’s most devoted follower, my owner and I have devised a plan to rid him of his evil ways. As of late, we have seen the urgency of passing on this information to you, the victims of Mr_Cuppacake's devilish schemes. So here I lay before you your one chance to destroy the danger before it is too late.

Nicknames. This is the first and easiest method. The only things necessary are an imaginative mind and fast feet, paws, or fins. The mind to come up with the right nicknames, the feet to run out of the range of the aspiring villain’s fists.

I do not suggest this tactic as a way to pay your pet/sibling back for his cruelty. It is a brainwashing technique. If you persist in calling him “silly”, “cuddly”, or “amusing”, he may begin to underestimate himself. Or perhaps you could deform his real name. Take Mr_Cuppacakes for example. We call him Cuppy, Cuppacaky, Cuppy-wuppy-puppy-kins, and other cuddly variations. It’s demeaning. It really is. And he begins to think of himself as a joke. Perhaps not consciously, but in the back of his mind, he wonders if anyone will ever take him seriously.

You have to be subtle with this tactic. He must not think you are poking fun at him. Act as loving as you possibly can when you start using the nicknames and adjectives. Fortunately, it does not take long for these things to become habit. And he will presently become used to them himself, and the fast feet will no longer be necessary.

Pranks. This is one of the more delightful aspects of my plot. Well, all of them are delightful; it takes every ounce of my skill as an actress not to collapse into laughter at some of the faces Cuppy makes. But this one is especially dear to my heart.

Pull pranks on your sibling. Most important: don’t let him know who does them. If he cannot discover who is pestering him, he cannot punish them. Thus, he must endure the pranks. And it will horrify his little ego that there is someone out there getting the best of him. He will question himself, “If I can’t defeat one little prankster, how can I hope to master Neopia?”

As for the jokes, don’t make them hurtful, but annoying and troublesome. For example, you could rearrange his desk. Put his homework where he keeps his take-over-the-world schemes and put his take-over-the-world schemes under a stack of coloring books he never looks at.

Basically, act as if April Fools Day were every day. Bind a rubber band around the water spout. (Take care not to fall for that one yourself. You wouldn’t want to give him a chance to practice that annoying cackle, would you?) Turn off the power in his room. Send him letters from Fyora telling him, “If only all the Neopets in the world were as kindhearted as you.” Put Faerieland posters in his room. One of my personal favorites is short-sheeting the bed. Simple but effective.

Condescension. It is wisest if the owner is the one to use this tactic. Possibly older siblings. You don’t want to overdo it. Condescension means to talk down to someone as if they were younger and less intelligent than you. Everyone has had experience here, even if they didn’t know what it was called.

Here is an example of how my owner applies this. Sometimes Cuppy gets very angry with his brothers and sisters and rages about what he will do to with us when he takes over the world. “You will be my slaves and I will lock you deep in the mines, never to see the light of day. I will eat rich and expensive foods right in front of you while you have only stale bread and water.” And then he will typically cackle.

Kate will look up from her newspaper with a loving smile and say fondly, as if he can’t hear her, “He’s so adorable.” It infuriates him. And then she will sometimes follow this statement with a “Did you think of that yourself, Cuppy-wuppy-puppy-kins?” She smiles proudly. “You’re such a smart little Mynci.”

Also, laugh when they talk of evil things.

These little tricks give the aspiring young villains a sense of helplessness. Along with the helplessness, they feel a loss of dignity. As they well know, these are not good characteristics for villains. Yes, this strategy does involve a loss of self-esteem, but their egos are so large it leaves no other option.

Confusion. If your pet/sibling is particularly young and impressionable and hasn’t yet developed a large ego, you might want to attempt to confuse them rather than poke fun at them. Actually, this is an amusing idea whether the pet is an aspiring villain or not. You simply play tricks with their mind.

Use your status as the elder sibling/owner to twist what they think they know about the universe. Some pets are gullible enough to believe anything such an “experienced” person says.

Aspiring Young Villain: Someday I’m going to take over the world.

You: Oh, too late, somebody already did that.

Or...

Aspiring Young Villain: Fyora is such a weak Queen.

You: Weak? Didn’t you know she took over the world once?

Put him in his place. This one can be really funny... to you. Every time he brings up anything to do with his being evil, remind him just where he stands in life. As I tell Cuppy, “You’re just a Neopet. You aren’t even one year old yet. You are the joke of the neighborhood. Your name is synonymous with wimp. As of right now, I could beat you in the Battledome with one hand tied behind my back. You have a hit point status of four. Get a life.” And that shuts him up most of the time. If it doesn’t, I just raise my eyebrows and walk away with a condescending sigh and roll of the eyes.

Innocence. Feigned innocence, of course. You could go any number of ways with this one.

As he reveals his plans for world domination, every time he mentions something evil, say imprisonment, death, Jhudora, or minions, stop him to ask, “What’s that?” No matter if you’ve asked before. Coincidentally, you have “forgotten”.

Or perhaps you could pretend innocence towards the villain himself. Proudly tell the world you have the “nicest, bestest, goodest brother in the whole wide world!” This is most convincing with younger siblings. “Oh no, my brother would never hurt anybody. He’s too nice.” Here you hit two birds with one stone. You spread a good public opinion about the pet, as well as annoy him. Villains most decidedly do not want a good reputation.

Another way is to be innocent of his threats. When he mutters darkly, pretend he is acting. Applaud generously. Very generously. And when he makes veiled threats, keep asking what he means until he is forced to spell it out to you. Laugh and say, “Well, why didn’t you just say so?” And then miss the whole point of the threat altogether and continue on your merry way.

Well, that just about sums it up. If you need more ideas, feel free to write. I have recently read a disturbing neomail warning me of other villains on the rise. Keep a sharp lookout in your own home and spread this advice to your neighbors.

And a note of advice: Do not put the villain in the pound. He would have way too much time to brood and would undoubtedly seek revenge until the end of his days, and perhaps even afterwards.

Sincerely and affectionately,

Mini_Butterfly, friend to Neopia

P.S. I don’t mind comments about my name. *toothsome grin*