Investigating: Malkus Vile

Malkus Vile has been the subject of many topics lately. Nobody is quite sure who he is. In fact, all his trading card said was that he is under construction. Now that is a question in itself. I mean why is he under construction? So, my handy detective team decided to call in and figure out the mystery.

First of all, we looked into Malkus Vile's species. According to the card, he is a green Skeith, wearing a fedora. My detective team looked into all possible conclusions.

Theory #1 Malkus Vile is a type of plant.

We looked through the Garden store, for a fedora wearing plant but couldn't find anything that matched the description. There were a few gnomes that had the word Skeith in them, but none that said Malkus Vile.

Theory #2 Malkus Vile is in fact a Skeith.

Because the trading card says under construction, my detective team has doubts. If he really were a Skeith, why would he be under construction? There can be only one logical explanation!

Theory #3 Malkus Vile is a neohome.

It would make sense, if he were, since construction is like building a neohome. Unfortunately, that does not lead my team to any other conclusions since there are no neohomes shaped like a Skeith with a fedora. There is only one other possible explanation.

Theory #4 Malkus Vile is a villain.

Now, this theory definitely makes sense. I mean, why else would he wear the shady fedora? There are plushies of him. You can't be a villain until you've been made into a plushie, right? So we decided to take this lead and investigate.

We headed for The Book of Ages, figuring since he was a villain, he must have some information somewhere. We stumbled upon this:

With the help of the Meerca Brothers, he organized the theft of King Coltzan's Crown. Once the crown was acquired back, he disappeared. He was due to appear in the Guildmaster's dinner puzzle as a guest of Galem Darkhand, but the puzzle was cancelled.

So now the secret is out in the open. Malkus Vile is nothing but a thief. We brought him in for questioning, so please bear with us. It's about time someone got to the bottom of this mystery.

Me: So, Mr Vile, why did you steal the crown?

Malkus: Because I was feeling vile.

Is that an ordinary occurrence? Can't they fix that with night vision goggles or stink pellets?

Malkus: I think I stink quite enough, thank you.

That's very nice, but not the answer I was looking for. Why did you steal the crown?

Malkus Vile: Because I'm Malkus Vile.

You had help from the Meerca brothers, if I'm not mistaken.

Malkus Vile: Those idiots. They couldn't steal a crown if they tried.

But wasn't it your plan they ruined?

Malkus Vile: What if it was? Should I be doing a maniacal laugh right now?

If you must.

Malkus Vile: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

That's quite enough. Your plan can't be that good, if it was thwarted.

Malkus Vile: Why do you think it says under construction?

Well, I have some theories.

Malkus Vile: Such as?

#1 You're a neohome. Those are always under construction.

Malkus Vile: You're not serious?

#2 You're some type of rare fedora-wearing plant.

Malkus Vile: You know, the under construction doesn't have to refer to me.

Oh, really? Does it refer to your fedora?

Malkus Vile: It could refer to something else. Like... a plan, maybe?

A plan?

Malkus Vile: Every single villain must have a plan! Mine just happens to be under construction.

You shouldn't really be telling me that?

Malkus Vile: Why not?

No good villain gives away their secrets.

Malkus Vile: No good villain thinks that a world of jelly exists.

That's true. It's probably a good thing I'm not a villain then, isn't it?

Malkus Vile: So like I was saying, my plan is under construction.

What's your plan? You failed at stealing the crown.

Malkus Vile: To take over the world!

I am pretty sure Sloth has already done that.

Malkus Vile: Well, I'll just take over the world better.

How do you become a villain? Just out of curiosity?

Malkus Vile: I'm still working on that. I figure, I start being a thief. I steal a little. Then... evilllllllllllllllllllllll.

I'm pretty sure it takes more than stealing a crown. You've got to actually succeed at your plan, Malkus; otherwise people won't call you a villain at all.

Malkus Vile: Then what will they call me?

Nothing but a fool.

Malkus Vile: Do you get called a fool often?

When I'm rambling about jelly.

Malkus Vile: You really should be a villain.

Why?

Malkus Vile: Villains have more fun. I mean, I can steal a crown and cause havoc. Everybody just shouts Malkus Vile, stop shooting bile, you're being vile!

That could work. Sir, sir, there is such thing as world of jelly. You'd be better getting I'm smelly.

Malkus Vile: You see. That answers your questions, doesn't it?

You're not going to try and escape are you? I mean we still have to talk about your plan.

Malkus Vile: I plan to resteal the crown. And draw a picture.

A picture? What has that got to do with anything?

Malkus Vile: I have to draw a picture of what my plan is going to look like.

And then?

Malkus Vile: Enter it in the beauty contest, of course. I mean they let other Skeiths in. Don't you think I'm much prettier than them?

....

Malkus Vile: I think I'd look fabulous with a best dressed trophy.

That's your plan?

Malkus Vile: Do you think it's too evil?

Words can't even describe how evil it is.

Malkus Vile: That's what I thought. Now I need to go and draw a picture. I guess I should start with the fedora –that way I really will be best-dressed.

Well, that is evil. Give me that fedora. We're all out of time, unfortunately. But we've at least come to a conclusion.

The conclusion of this investigation is: Malkus Vile is just a thief. However, he may just be a tcg card, but he will always be a villain to me.