A Neopian World Tour of Green-Coloured Foods

      Lerlifia: Welcome! I’m Lerlifia, and this is my sister, Lervilia. Both of us consider ourselves to be real foodies! ...No, you imbecile. Not because we’re both food-themed pets! A foodie is someone who loves trying almost any type of cuisine. (“Almost” being the keyword. No dung slushies for us!) Anyway, in honour of the Illusen/Green-themed Neopian Times issue, Lervi and I will be doing a Neopian world tour of green-coloured foods. Without further ado...

     Lervilia: The readers might want to know what that means, silly.

     Lerli: Oh, yeah. You’re right. It means that we will be sampling one green food from each Neopian land. Without further ado, here are the foods:

      ---Artichoke and Feta Pie (Altador)---

      Lerli: Wow, this looks amazing! ---CHOMP---

     Lervi: Hey, save some for me!!!

     Lerli: Fat chance. This is great; the cheese and the flaky pastry crust make it so much better! ---finishes pie---

     Lervi: Don’t rub it in. I didn’t get any...

     Lerli: Then go to Altador and buy your own! ---face covered in food---

     Lervi: ---shakes head--- You look like a total Snorkle right now. Oink, oink!

     Lerli: Hey, watch what you say!

      ---Grenelon (Brightvale)---

      Lervi: MINE! ---starts to devour Grenelon---

     Lerli: Hey, I wanted some!

     Lervi: You hogged the last food, so this one’s all MINE!!!

     Lerli: I eat those a lot... I love those!

     Lervi: Too bad. ---continues munching--- I LOVE THIS. It tastes just like a watermelon!

     Lerli: You don’t have to tell me what it tastes like, you dummy. I eat them all the time! Apparently, they are supposed to make me smart if I eat them...

     Lervi: Well, that is CLEARLY not working. ---smirks---

     Lerli: HEY!!! ---grabs last slice of Grenelon out of Lervi’s hand and eats it---

     Lervi: HEY!!! No sticky paws!!!

     Lerli: It’s impossible NOT to get sticky paws while eating a Grenelon...

     Lervi: It’s an expression which means “no stealing,” you imbecile!

      ---Earth Faerie Mushroom (Faerieland)---

      Lerli: I'm not big on fungi... Whatever. I’ll try it. You never know. ---eats mushroom--- Meh. Could be better, could be worse. Want it? ---hands it to Lervi---

     Lervi: It must not be very good, if you are sharing it. ---eats it--- Bleh! It tastes like dirt and leaves...

     Lerli: Apparently, it’s full of vitamins.

     Lervi: That explains why it tastes so crummy. If it tastes bad, then you KNOW it’s good for you!

     Lerli: Whatever, my Petpet can have it. ---throws the half-eaten mushroom to Gumdrop the Blobikins---

     Gumdrop: ---sniffs the mushroom and turns away without taking a bite---

     Lervi: WOW... When a Petpet won’t eat it, you KNOW it’s bad! ---cackles---

      ---Gorerito (The Haunted Woods)---

      Lerli: It is unknown what goes into this “bizarre snack.” Well, let’s find out! ---bites into Gorerito---

     Lervi: It’s probably nasty, but there’s only one way to know for sure. How is it?

     Lerli: I taste Clawmatoe, Haunted Salad, Large Grundo Toe With Lint Side Order (ewww...), Roast Tentacle, and Gooey Bug Soup (not a fan) used as salad dressing. Not the greatest thing I’ve ever eaten, to say the least. Want it?

     Lervi: Not really... I don’t exactly enjoy eating Grundo toes and bugs.

     Lerli: Bleh. ---throws Gorerito in trash---

     Lervi: Hold on. We can sell that to some Gourmet Club members. We can give them a discount since you took a bite. Hey, it’s still worth a point! ---digs Gorerito out of trash---

     Lerli: You’re right. Just don’t tell them it was in the garbage. ---snickers---

      ---Bagguss (The Lost Desert)---

      Lerli: The Bagguss is apparently very gross when ripe, but I left it out in the sun to dry, so it should taste like chocolate.

     Walda: ---dashes in--- Did someone say CHOCOLATE?!

     Lerli: Noooooooo... I was saying that this green veggie must taste disgusting, and that I’d much rather have some chocolate to eat. ---holds up the Bagguss---

     Walda: Ewww... That looks yucky. I’ll pass... ---walks out of room---

     Lerli: That was close. Anyway, time to dig in. ---rips off a piece of the Bagguss and eats it--- Not bad! A healthier alternative to actual chocolate, that’s for sure.

     Lervi: ---rips off another piece and eats it--- It’s not as great as chocolate, but it sure is healthier.

     Lerli: I know, right? Just don’t eat it while it’s ripe!

      ---Mint Kiko Ice Cream Cone (Kiko Lake)---

      Lerli: I’m sure that this WOULD have been a perfectly good ice cream cone if some imbecile hadn’t dropped it on the FLOOR... ---scowls---

     Lervi: I’m not eating off the floor... You?

     Lerli: No way! I’m not cleaning it up, either. Let Sellescha clean it...

      ---liiiiiiiiiick---

      ---Gumdrop has taken a big lick of the ice cream, and gazes up at the two Draiks with an enormous grin.---

      Lerli: Well, that solves the problem, I guess.

     Lervi: Gumdrop, is it good?

     Lerli: She can’t talk, you dummy.

      ---Gumdrop devours the rest of the ice cream and licks the kitchen floor clean.---

      Lervi: Well, it must’ve been good, because it looks like the little Petpet enjoyed it.

     Gumdrop: ---smiles---

     Lerli: Anyway, the floor is sticky now. I’m too lazy to mop it... Anyone else?

     Lervi: Not me. Let Sellescha clean it!

     Lerli: Yeah, you’re right.

      ---Double Stuffed Guppy (Krawk Island)---

      Lerli: This comes straight from the Golden Dubloon! Apparently, someone hollowed out a big fish and stuffed it with a smaller fish...

     Lervi: I can see that, smart one.

     Lerli: Anyway, we need to cook these two fish before we eat them. Nobody likes food poisoning!

     Lervi: Duh! ---puts the two fish in the oven---

      ---20 minutes later---

      Lerli: Done! They had better not be burnt.

     Lervi: ---removes fish from oven--- They’re not. --eats big fish--- Not bad. I’m adding salt and butter.

     Lerli: Me, too!

      ---The two Draiks are enjoying their fish when Sellescha walks in.---

      Sellescha: Are you two eating yet another innocent animal?!

     Lerli: ---smirks--- Two animals. Try and stop us!

     Lervi: There is no way that Neopia will EVER adhere to your vegan lifestyle. Just GIVE UP already! ---continues eating fish---

     Sellescha: How would you like it if someone ate you?!

     Lerli: Bratty kids try to eat us every day. We’re food-themed pets!

      ---Sellescha starts to walk away in a huff, but then her socks get stuck to the floor.---

      Sellescha: Why is the floor sticky?

     Lerli: Um, I don’t know.

     Lervi: Me, neither.

      ---Then Sellescha sees Gumdrop munching on the cone from the ice cream.---

      Sellescha: Lerli, your Petpet made a mess. Please clean it up.

     Lerli: ---smirks--- Make me.

     Sellescha: ---sigh--- Gumdrop is YOUR responsibility!

     Lerli: You do it. I’m too lazy.

     Sellescha: ---grits teeth and grabs a mop--- Wow, you have NO SHAME!!!

      ----Kreludan Wiggle Cookie (Kreludor)---

      Lerli: This looks interesting. Time to try it. ---bites into cookie---

     Lervi: Is it good?

     Lerli: Meh, the cookie is bland, but I like the icing. It tastes like lime and grape.

     Lervi: Let me try.

     Lerli: Noooooooo... Get your own! ---sticks out tongue---

      ---Without warning, Lervi grabs the cookie out of Lerli’s hand and eats the remaining half.---

      Lervi: The cookie part could be sweeter, but the icing is good. Imagine if they had covered the whole surface of the cookie in icing...

     Lerli: That would have made it a LOT better. Either the bakers are trying to cut production costs, or they don’t have a very big sweet tooth...

      ---Lenny Lime Lutari Pop---

      Lerli: I couldn’t visit Lutari Island because it was surrounded by stormy weather, so who knows if there’s a food shop there. This Lenny Lime Lutari Pop, available at the Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop atop Terror Mountain, was the best I could do.

     Lervi: Why do they call it a Lutari pop?

     Lerli: I don’t know... Maybe Lutaris like them, or they first created them? Or maybe it’s named after Mr. Chipper, the Lutari who sells ice cream in Happy Valley. I’m just speculating, though.

     Lervi: I don’t know, either. Are you sure that this won’t turn you into something unusual? I’ve heard of magical Chia pops...

     Lerli: Don’t worry. I’ve researched this one, and it has no magical powers whatsoever. It’s just a treat, and nothing more. ---eats Lutari pop--- Not bad. It tastes really sweet, even better than that ordinary Lime Chia Pop I had the other day.

     Lervi: Can I have some?

     Lerli: Noooooooo!!! ---slurps down the remaining ice---

     Lervi: ---sigh--- I guess I’ll have to buy one myself. By the way, you do know that only Chias change colour upon eating a magical Chia pop, right? Us Draiks can eat them without fear.

     Lerli: True, but that’s a waste of Neopoints unless you’re a member of the Gourmet Club. The non-magical versions are super affordable, and they taste just as good.

      ---Twirly Fruit Blend (Maraqua)---

      Lerli: This drink is sold at Kelp. People whine about Kelp being “too expensive,” but come on, it’s not THAT bad, especially when Trudy drops free Neopoints in your lap every day.

     Lervi: I know, right? I’ve been there a few times. I love their food!

     Lerli: Have you ever tried the Twirly Fruit Blend?

     Lervi: Yeah, once. I found it to be too watered-down. Probably because they put Blobbules in it, which are mostly made of water...

     Lerli: Then this drink is all mine. ---takes a drink--- Yeah, it’s a bit underwhelming, but I can taste the fruit somewhat. On the bright side, it comes with an actual Twirly Fruit to enjoy! ---chomps into fruit--- I love it! It’s very juicy and sweet.

     Lervi: I think that Twirly Fruits themselves are cloyingly sweet. Anyway, don’t get the fruit juice on our hair or, even worse, our clothes! I think it stains...

      ---Illusen Day Cupcake (Meridell)---

      Lerli: This is described as a “delicious chocolate and mint cupcake baked in Illusen’s honour.” Well, I’m not a fan of mint chocolate chip, so you can have it. ---hands it to Lervi---

      ---Just then, Walda dashes in.---

      Walda: ---eyes light up--- Did someone say CHOCOLATE?!

     Lervi: ---hides cupcake behind back--- No, you brat. You’re imagining things.

     Walda: I smell chocolate, you liar!

     Lervi: No, you’re just smelling your sister.

     Walda: Well, if you won’t give me whatever you’re hiding, then I’ll find another source.

      ---Without warning, Walda dashes over to Lerli and takes a huge bite of chocolate out of her tail.---

      Lerli: OWWWW!!!

     Walda: What?! It grows back!

     Lerli: Yeah, but it HURTS!!!

     Walda: It can’t be THAT bad, you wimp! I am a seasoned Battledome fighter, and there’s nothing the Healing Springs can’t fix!

     Lerli: Then give me a Healing Potion!

     Walda: I’m not done eating! ---continues to devour Lerli’s tail---

     Lervi: Are you SURE it grows back?! At this rate, she’ll have no tail left...

     Walda: Rest assured, it does!

     Lerli: Lervi, STOP HER!

     Lervi: I can’t beat her in a fight! At any rate, this IS entertaining to watch... ---cackles---

     Lerli: --scowls---

      ---Just then, Maldice, hearing the commotion, storms in.---

      Maldice: Walda, NO!!! How many times do we have to tell you not to eat chocolate off of your sister?!

     Walda: It grows back! ---takes another bite---

     Maldice: ---waves her magical wand---

     Walda: Ummm... I’m full... and tired. I’m going to go take a nap. ---walks out of the room---

     Lerli: Thank you... I suppose you learned a new spell?

     Maldice: Yeah, one that makes the target super full, to the point of sleepiness. She won’t be hungry again for a while. Anyway...

      ---Maldice waves her wand again. The missing part of Lerli’s tail is restored, and the pain subsides.---

      Maldice: I’m glad I could help. Raising a small child isn’t easy. She can be such a handful!

     Lerli: You can say that again...

      ---With that, Maldice leaves the room.---

      Lervi: Anyway, onto the cupcake. ---chomps into cupcake--- Well, the mint is pretty strong; I find it overpowering. I’ll buy one of these for a snack if I ever forget to brush my teeth in the morning!

     Lerli: Then I’m glad I didn’t eat it.

     Lervi: It’s going in the trash.

      ---Lervi is about to throw the cupcake away when Gumdrop nudges her.---

      Lervi: Fine, take it. Neither of us wants it. ---throws the cupcake on the floor---

      ---Gumdrop quickly devours the cupcake, then grins with a face covered in chocolate icing.---

      Lerli: I guess Petpets aren’t too picky about what they eat.

     Lervi: Duh. They don’t know any better, and that’s a good thing!

      ---Root Stew (Moltara)---

      Lervi: Well, this one isn’t very green...

     Lerli: It was the greenest one I could find in Moltara, the land of fire.

     Lervi: Whatever, it looks gross. One step up from Edna’s Spooky Brew...

     Lerli: I anticipate some yucky, healthy food that tastes like cardboard. ---starts eating the stew--- It’s not amazing, but it’s actually better than I expected. The veggie broth isn’t bad. The roots are kind of bland, though.

     Lervi: Whatever, I’ll take your word for it. It doesn’t look too impressive...

     Lerli: It is a little spicy, but it’s a Moltaran food, so can I really say I’m surprised?

     Lervi: I’m not surprised, either. Just drink some milk when you’re done so your mouth isn’t on fire.

      ---ErgyFruit (Mystery Island)---

      Lerli: This is described as “a great source of energy for those horrendous hikes through the jungle.” I may not be exploring the wild like Jake the Explorer or that Mynci in Jungle Raiders, but I’ll remember this fruit the next time I have to get up early in the morning.

     Lervi: That might not be a bad idea.

     Lerli: In the meantime, what does it taste like? There’s only one way to find out. ---chomps into fruit--- It tastes very fruity and reasonably sweet, sort of like a lime. Not bad.

     Lervi: Lerli, your stomach is glowing.

     Lerli: ---looks down--- So it is. Well, the fruit glows, too, so I’m not really surprised.

     Lervi: I hope it isn’t harmful...

     Lerli: Don’t worry. No truly horrible or long-lasting side effects have been recorded from eating this.

      ---Ten minutes later, Lerli has a massive headache.---

      Lerli: Owwww... The energy boost is very strong. I ate too much of it...

     Lervi: I have an idea. ---walks out of the room---

      ---A moment later, she returns with Maldice.---

      Maldice: ---waves her magical wand--- Bye, headache.

      ---Lerli’s stomach stops glowing, and her headache fades.---

      Lerli: You have a spell for everything, don’t you? Thanks again!

     Maldice: Sure. Let me know if you need anything else. ---walks out of the room---

     Lervi: I guess that the secret to the energy boost is to not overdo it.

      ---Green Ham (Neopia Central)---

      Lerli: No one is quite sure what species of animal this ham comes from.

     Lervi: Because it’s a ham, I would say a pig, but pigs aren’t green...

     Lerli: You never know. I’ve seen weirder things in Neopia than a green pig. Anyway, time to try it. ---chomps into drumstick--- Not bad. This would be good with honey.

     Lervi: Does it taste like typical ham?

     Lerli: Yeah, and it’s actually pretty good. Altador has the best honey; the food shop there should start selling it by the bottle.

     Lervi: I agree!

      ---Just then, Sellescha walks in.---

      Sellescha: Setting aside the fact that you’re eating yet ANOTHER innocent animal, why in Neopia is that drumstick green?! Are you sure that it won’t make you sick?

     Lerli: It won’t. I now research every weird food I eat after the Angry Candy incident. (Neopian Times Issue 856---Fourteen Foods for Valentine’s Day)

     Lervi: The green colour could come from food colouring, faerie dust, or a magic spell. Who knows?

     Lerli: As long as it doesn’t hurt me, I don’t care what my food looks like. ---chomps on ham happily---

      ---Clover Cream Coffee (Roo Island)---

      Lerli: This comes straight from the Coffee Cave, which is now located in Roo Island. Quiggles should stay away from this, since they’re allergic to cream, but any other species should enjoy this.

     Lervi: I don’t know what’s worse: the illness or the shot needed to cure it.

     Lerli: Both are awful. Anyway, this coffee is steaming hot---I think I should give it ten minutes to cool down.

     Lervi: Agreed.

      ---Ten minutes later, Lerli takes a drink of the coffee.---

      Lerli: I really like this. The milk and cream are really good.

     Lervi: Don’t drink too much, or you’ll get another headache.

     Lerli: True... Want the rest?

     Lervi: Sure.

      ---Lerli hands the coffee to Lervi, who drinks it enthusiastically.---

      Lervi: Not bad. ---grins--- The clover is only slightly noticeable, though. I hear that the clovers come from Pick Your Own in Meridell.

     Lerli: Urrgghh... I hope those clovers didn’t come into contact with any dung. Yes, you can actually find dung in the bushes.

     Lervi: Don’t worry. I’m sure that all the contaminated clovers are thrown away.

     Lerli: You’re not the one who was once poisoned by a contaminated slushie! (Neopian Times Issue 923---No Holiday Is Complete Without a Slushie)

     Lervi: Well, you look and feel fine, don’t you?

     Lerli: Yeah, true... I suppose I’m alright this time.

      ---Buzz Sushi (Shenkuu)---

      Lerli: Cute... I never thought I’d call a Buzz “cute,” but here I am. Don’t worry---they’re made of fish caught off the coast of Shenkuu, not actual Neopets.

     Lervi: Are you sure about eating raw seafood? It could make you sick.

     Lerli: Don’t worry. I had Maldice cast a spell on them to dispel any bacteria. However, that should be done BEFORE the sushi is sold. ---eats sushi--- I taste fish and leafy vegetables. It’s actually better than I thought it would be.

      ---Lervi reaches over, grabs one of the rolls, and pops it in her mouth.---

      Lervi: Not bad for healthy food, anyway. I wouldn’t mind eating this every once in a while.

      ---Just then, Sellescha walks in.---

      Sellescha: Uhhh... you do know that you can get sick from raw seafood, right? That’s a good reason not to eat fish-based sushi. It hasn’t been cooked.

     Lerli: Don’t worry. I had Maldice de-contaminate these delicious animal rolls with a spell. ---smirks---

     Sellescha: ---scowls--- You’re just trying to taunt me, aren’t you? ---walks away---

     Lerli: Go lecture someone else. Anyone but us!

      ---Appletastic Ice Lolly (Terror Mountain)---

      Lerli: This frozen treat is made from lots of apples, so Kyriis, stay away from this one.

     Lervi: Yeah. Nobody likes breaking out in itchy hives...

     Lerli: Fortunately, I can eat this without having an allergic reaction. ---gives the lolly a giant lick--- Ugh, they made this way too sour. It’s almost as if they did it on purpose.

     Lervi: Well, I’m not eating it, now that you’ve licked it.

     Lerli: In the trash it goes!

      ---Lerli tosses it in the garbage can, but soon enough, Gumdrop fishes it out.---

      Lerli: Ugh. Gross, Gumdrop. That was in the TRASH.

     Lervi: True, but a Petpet doesn’t care.

      ---Gumdrop sniffs the lolly, takes a lick, and grimaces, leaving it on the floor.---

      Lerli: Ha! Even the Petpet didn’t like it.

     Lervi: I know, right? That’s how you KNOW it’s awful!

      ---Just then, Sellescha walks in.---

      Sellescha: Um, why is there an ice lolly on the ground?

     Lerli: Um, I don’t know.

     Sellescha: One of you must have dropped it. Could whoever dropped it please pick it up? It will melt all over the floor and become super sticky if it isn’t taken care of.

     Lerli: Make us. ---smirks---

     Lervi: Yeah, make us! ---grins---

      ---Sellescha sighs and grabs a mop.---

      Sellescha: ---grits teeth--- Why am I always cleaning up messes that YOU TWO make?! Again, neither of you have ANY shame!!!

      ---Cactus Blossom (Tyrannia)---

      Lerli: Apparently, you are not supposed to eat the green part because it’s prickly. You’ll just hurt your tongue. Only the flowers are edible.

     Lervi: Well, let me try. ---picks off one of the flowers and eats it--- It tastes really sweet, and like a raspberry. I actually quite like this one.

     Lerli: ---eats another one of the flowers--- I like it, too. It’s a healthy way to satisfy my giant sweet tooth! Not to mention that the prickles could be useful for some sort of prank...

     Lervi: Great idea! We’ll have to think of something sometime.

      ---Cosmic Broccoli (The Virtupets Space Station)---

      Lerli: Apparently, “this strange broccoli from Broccolix VII is highly sought after for its nutritional value.” Is Broccolix VII a planet somewhere? If so, I’ve never been there.

     Lervi: I imagine that all the trees look like broccoli over there... What a scary thought. Healthy food is gross!

     Lerli: I agree... Anything that’s good for you sure doesn’t taste good. I’ll let Gumdrop test it.

      ---Gumdrop waddles over upon hearing her name.---

      Lerli: ---to Gumdrop--- Want it? Because I sure don’t. ---hands the broccoli to Gumdrop---

      ---Gumdrop eats all three broccoli stalks, but appears to feel indifferent about the taste.---

      Lerli: If she could talk, she’d say, “Meh, it’s alright,” based on her facial expression.

     Lervi: Well, Petpets don’t really know any better... They get all the food that is mediocre at best while Neopets get to eat gourmets.

     Lerli: Whatever. It’ll keep her full for tonight. That’s a win because it’s SO annoying when she wakes me up in the middle of the night, wanting me to give her a snack...

      ---Conclusion---

      Lervi: So, what was your favourite food from the list?

     Lerli: Probably the Artichoke and Feta Pie. Either that or the guppy.

     Lervi: I liked the guppy, too.

     Lerli: If Gumdrop could talk, she’d say her favourite was the ice cream cone.

     Lervi: Well, she can’t, so she... won’t.

     Lerli: Anyway, I encourage our readers to try some of the better-reviewed options someday. Happy Illusen/Green-themed issue! Until next time, dear readers!