Meri Acres Merrymakers Inn: Bowl of Yuck or Yum?

     Your esteemed gourmet visited the Meri Acres Merrymakers Inn on a crisp Saturday evening, the busiest night of the week, and oh dear readers, I seldom give out such poor rankings unless I am overcome with food poisoning. Though I left with my guts intact, I am not the Kau I once was!

     Immediately upon entering, say goodbye to your hearing. A lively band of Techo minstrels with out-of-tune lutes and bagpipes were partying heartily in the inn, tails swishing in tune with the, well, rather tuneless music. Charming, but perhaps it could be saved for after I’ve filled my tummy. The patrons were all chatting, eating suspiciously blackened potatoes and spooning colourless, odourless gruel. Despite the sun outside, inside it is musty and dim, with only a few shafts of light filtered in through a broken window. And yes, Spyder webs a’plenty!

     I sat down at a long wooden table beside a sleeping Skeith, his head lounging in an empty bowl of mush. I did my best to ignore his snoring and called over the attention of a waiter, a Green Ixi with a jaunty feathered hat. He looked half asleep and moved as slow as if he was fully napping. First impressions surely aren’t everything, but for this restaurant critic, I am deducting several well-needed points right out of the gate.

     Let us waste no time. I ordered nearly one of everything on the menu and sampled my fare. Here are my reviews, let them guide your tastebuds and your tongue and happy snacking (somewhere else)!

     Refreshments

     Surprisingly, the menu lacked many drinks, unless you want to eat an entire plate of Aquaberries. What does a Faerie Kau have to do for some proper tea around here?

     Cup of water: Barely potable, slightly sulfuric, and set me back nearly 3,000 Neopoints. I could have bought a few scratch offs instead. My disappointment would have been the same.

     Illusen Day Drink: Truthfully, the drink itself was fine. But I can’t respect a drink that’s better dressed than me. And girl, a belted dress? Is it still 2006?

     Appetizers

     Before diving into the main course, whetting your appetite is always more fun. The appetisers, however, all came out at random times. Some came with dinner, some with desert, but all were served on beautifully hand-thrown clay plates. No trenchers here.

     Blackened gruel: So, right off the bat, the word gruel is not winning us any stars. But the blackened portion, now that piqued my interest. What will it be flavoured with? Charcoal? A smoky barbecue? Some spice I’ve never heard of before? No, actually, it was just burnt. Did you even know you could burn gruel?

     Haystack potato chips: A rarity. I am a Kau, of course, and we do love hay. Finished the entire plate. Four out of five stars. I ordered another helping, to the waiter’s surprise. Doesn’t he know that a Kau can eat its own body weight just at dinner time?

     Brick cheese: Let’s just say I had to make a quick emergency phone call to my dentist and see if replacing a molar cap was covered by my insurance. (That Uni at the pharmacy always overcharges me! Grifter!)

     Aubergine surprise: I never figured out what the surprise was. I stayed up all night, tossing, turning, losing precious sleep. Was there a secret ingredient? A special roasting method? A hidden password engraved in the Aubergine skin? Please, help a poor Kau out. What’s the surprise?

     Marrow sandals: I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but I think my waiter served me his shoes. I swear he was wearing them when he brought the brick cheese, but after the marrow sandals, he was as barefoot as the day he was made. Slightly cheesy, a little pungent, but not terrible. 4/10.

     Entrées

     Finally, we come to the main course. It’s been a long journey, and I was just as exhausted as if I hiked the entire route from Neopia Central. Time to tuck into the entrées, let’s see the main events.

     Meatless pie: As a Kau, I order up a vegetarian fare and my mouth watered at the potential of a good old meatless pie. Would it be stuffed with lentils? Split peas? Spinach? No. Nothing. Empty as a promise. And my stomach. I can’t help but wonder, if a meatless pie has no filling, is it even a pie? Is it just a “meatless”? Or just a blank space? A void? Stop me before I get philosophical.

     Pootato: Did I really order this? My dining notes are mysteriously empty, I must have wiped it clean from my memory. Hmm, perhaps for the best.

     Bowl of Yuck: Always the optimist, I wondered if YUCK was perhaps an acronym. Yummy Ummagine Carrot….Kake? No. Sorry to disappoint. It was, in fact, a bowl of pure yuck. Bitter, foul, disgusting. The bowl was quite lovely. Don’t tell, but I popped it right into my purse. That should fetch a couple hundred at auction.

     Dessert

     To say I have a sweet tooth is putting it mildly. My mom didn’t name me Cowramel for nothing! Even before I had teeth, I was gumming on sweets, just a wee babe and her snacks. Unfortunately, even here I encountered, well, let me just show you.

     Hot crossed buns: Hot? What was hot here? Barely warm, perhaps it touched an oven in a past life or briefly saw the sun through a five-inch glass window. Raw all the way through, I turned my buns into a small sculpture instead. Believe me, it’s what the flour would have wanted.

     Mouldy Strawberries: By now, you must be wondering how I could be surprised. I ordered the mouldy strawberries, and I received the mouldy strawberries. To that, I say, are you upset when you order mouldy blue cheese and receive mouldy blue cheese?

     Spoogentberry: I ordered this just to say the same out loud. The waiter misunderstood me or pretended to, and I ended up shouting it across the whole dining hall, just as the music briefly went silent. Berries were uneventful, soft and squishy. It is much more fun to say than it is to eat.

     Bag of sugar: Just what it says on the tin, er, the bag. Served without even a spoon, I ate a few handfuls before wondering what my life had become, stared blankly at the table, and called for the check. I hope my owner doesn’t notice how many zeroes it has.

     Final verdict: 0.5 out of 5 stars. I will return for the hay.