An Open New Year's Letter to Dr. Sloth

     As we approach the end of another year, New Year's resolutions are at the forefront of many Neopian minds. Maybe they're hoping to finally spring for that stamp for your collection. Or to shear their Gnorbu more often. Get that high score playing Faerie Bubbles. Maybe their resolution is to actually remember to actively participate in the Altador Cup this year instead of just joining a team and adding another lacklustre participation medal to their user lookup (I have really GOT to stop doing that...).

     But while most of our resolutions are focused on rather innocuous habits—small things we chastise ourselves for, but that don't do any real harm—there's one evildoer who could surely take a moment or two to look inward and reflect on all the wrongs he has committed against Neopia, this year and countless years prior.

     Dr. Sloth, this letter is for you.

     Allow me to take you back a few years—or decades, rather—all the way back to Y2. Simpler times, my Neofriends. And yet not particularly peaceful, because SOMEBODY just had to go and build the Virtupets Space Station that year under the guise of introducing us to his so-called Virtupets. But surprise! It turned out that Virtupets weren't a real thing, and he was actually mutating Neopets, all part of some heinous plot to take over all of Neopia. I mean, come on, Sloth, really?

     So yeah, maybe you didn't put your best foot forward, but you know what? We Neopians were pretty forgiving back then. We probably would've let it all go . . . if it weren't for the Brucey B incident.

     Oh, you thought we'd forgotten? The whole business in the Lost Desert with you trying to awaken an ancient Rock Beast to take over Neopia? That sort of thing sticks with you. Lucky we had Brucey to put a stop to things, but the whole fiasco was just another symptom of an ongoing pattern of behaviour. YOUR pattern of behaviour. Finding out that you'd created Neopet V2 was the icing on the cake. We should've known then that you weren't going to change, especially when you refused to help outside of doling out a few cryptic clues.

     But you just don't know when to quit, do you, Sloth? Don't get me started on the Ski Lodge Murder Mystery—yeah, yeah, I know no one has ever definitively proven you were behind that whole mess, but come on. One look at your track record tells us everything we need to know. There are even rumours that you had something to do with the Carnival of Terror. I mean, I could do this all day.

     But all those poor Orange and Purple Grundos on Kreludor, manipulated into fighting amongst themselves so that you could try to take over the Space Station again . . . that was supposed to be the end of it. Not because you decided to better yourself voluntarily! Of course not. But because the Resistance defeated you and trapped you inside the Space Faerie’s token, where you've supposedly been stuck ever since. That's what they say, anyway.

     But there have been sightings. Whispers. Lots of people claim you’ve imposed some sort of invasion tax. I mean, it's thievery, is what it is. Not to mention firing your ray gun at poor, unsuspecting Neopians' inventories and turning their items to sludge. And don't think we don't know what you're up to, popping up in dark alleys behind the Auction House or Ye Olde PetPets, handing out Transmogrification Potions to unsuspecting strangers. You're plotting your next takeover. Building your mutant army.

     I wonder, though, if you've ever stopped to consider that you don't HAVE to do all that. I get it, old habits die hard, but what if you woke up tomorrow and decided to show the world a new Dr. Sloth? There's nothing stopping you, if you really think about it. Nothing but your own perceived image of yourself. You WANT to be seen as a villain. A conqueror. But I think you’ll find that it’s a lot easier to get the respect you’ve been so desperately looking for by just . . . being nice.

     So this is a call to action. With a New Year comes a fresh start, new opportunities. Your chance to wipe the slate clean and start anew. Dr. Sloth, I propose that you make it your New Year’s resolution to do some good instead of evil. Commit yourself to making Neopia a better place. Be someone who wants to contribute to society rather than control it.

     I won’t ask you to grovel just yet—I’m not sure your ego is ready for that. But just a few begrudging acts of kindness. Maybe consider paying it forward, the next time you visit the Slushie Shop with your hood up, hoping no one recognises you. Donate some of that Invasion Tax toward rebuilding for the Neopets of Kreludor (it’s been more than ten years, but look at the state of that moon—still stuck with what’s left of the Mining Corp., their infrastructure painfully underdeveloped). Perhaps kindness doesn’t sound all that satisfying to you right now, but give it a try. I have a feeling you might surprise yourself.

     I’m not saying Neopians will forgive you right away. To be honest, you’ve got twenty-odd years of misdeeds under your belt, and that’s going to take some making up for. But have a little patience, show us that you’re really ready to change this time, and maybe we’ll consider welcoming you back to Neopia. No more slinking around in the shadows, worrying about being noticed. Let us see you, and see you in a more positive light than ever.*

     So, what do you say, Dr. Sloth? Make it your New Year’s resolution to be, if not good, then at least better.

     Sincerely,

     Neopians Everywhere

     *this is a totally, 100% genuine letter published completely in earnest. It is not at all an attempt to lure a Neopian war criminal out of the shadows.