 Your Neo-Horoscope For Today.
by spidey897
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Uncertainty. Fear. Random Events. The future is full of all of these, but fret not, dear reader! Thanks to the definitive science of the stars, we here at the writing desk can predict exactly what will happen to YOU. Yes, you! You old so-and-so! Be it a surprise visit from Queen Fyora herself or the results of eating that week-old Blumaroo Steak you found in your Safety Deposit Box, the answers are all contained within this very article. Be warned, once you become aware of the truth, you may never go back. Your star sign correlates to which day you were born, as according to the Altadorian Celestial Calendar. As a helpful guide the dates have been listed after each constellation as well as the elemental school that sign follows.. If your date of birth falls on or between the listed days, that is your sign, and thusly, your horoscope. ~~~ THE SLEEPER, Magic sign; starts on the Month of Sleeping 20 and ends on the Month of Awakening 18 Your future will contain new adventures when you accidentally fall asleep in a shipping crate outbound from Krawk Island. That imperial exam next week is going to have to be skipped when you come down with an intense case of Scourgies. THE DREAMER, Darkness sign; starts on the Month of Awakening 19 and ends on the Month of Running 20 In the middle of a high stakes game of Godori it will suddenly and without warning start raining Baby Space Funguses. Fungi? Whatever. DO NOT PANIC. Make good use of this opportunity by eating as many of the cards as possible. Do not attempt to play against your Grarrl or Skeith. THE FIRST TO RISE, Snot sign; starts on the Month of Running 21 and ends on the Month of Eating 19 When your alarm clock radio starts playing the national anthem of Darigan Citadel, show your respect by doing a handstand with your back to the closest open window. If you have poor balance you can stick your hands in two bowls of banana pudding to help increase your grip strength. THE FARMER, Tech sign; starts on the Month of Eating 20 and ends on the Month of Hunting 20 There will be an arm wrestling competition in front of the Brain Tree at exactly two thirty six AM Neopian Standard Time. The first competitor is allergic to Kyrii hair. Do with this information what you will. Wink. THE DANCER, Darkness sign; starts on the Month of Hunting 21 and ends on the Month of Relaxing 20 Try not to lose your lucky Welcoming Lupe Gnome while taking your Glass Bottom Boat driving test. You will be visited by three Aisha who will take any spare stained glass that you may have on hand in exchange for a foot rub. THE WAVE, Tech sign; starts on the Month of Relaxing 21 and ends on the Month of Swimming 22 Your coworkers have all been lying to you about your new haircut. Sorry. Eat ten servings of Strawberry Jelly and sing along to a eurobeat cover of your favourite M*YNCI song to dull the emotional pain. THE GLADIATOR, Magic sign; starts on the Month of Swimming 23 and ends on the Month of Hiding 22 Avoid contact with anyone born under the sign of The Farmer. You'll know why, just trust me on this one okay? Visit Terror Mountain and try to catch a glimpse of the rare and elusive Invisible Snow Wocky. THE COLLECTOR, Tech sign; starts on the Month of Hiding 23 and ends on the Month of Gathering 22 You will be accosted by a plethora of excitable youths that believe you are the second invasion of Dr. Sloth. If you go along with it, the real Dr. Sloth will be very angry. But it'd also be really funny. Like, REALLY funny. Do it. Do it for the bit. C'mon, you know you wanna. THE THIEF, Snot sign; starts on the Month of Gathering 23 and ends on the Month of Collecting 22 Keep an emergency stash of Achyfi on you at all times. A swarm of rabid Goople will come close to eating all the pillows in your house, but miss one, luckily. Wear pink from head to toe to ward off disaster. THE GATHERER, Magic sign; starts on the Month of Collecting 23 and ends on the Month of Storing 21 Your lucky number is the exact amount of Ruki there are in Neopia divided by seven. Remember this number, because it's going to be the answer to the third to last question on your quest to rescue the Pink Pteri Platoon from the clutches of Tumadre Trivian, Lord of Sadness. THE PROTECTOR, Darkness sign; starts on the Month of Storing 22 and ends on the Month of Celebrating 21 You'll be the only one at the annual Southern Lutari Island Pizza-Eating Convention that remembered to bring take-out boxes. However, you'll be the one who forgot to wear shoes you can run away in. Good luck! THE HUNTER, Snot sign; starts on the Month of Celebrating 22 and ends on the Month of Sleeping 19 In two weeks, you'll be woken up in the morning by a pair of delusional stereographers with a hankering for old milk. They will proceed to bother you for the rest of the day. ~~~ These predictions were made specifically for you, valued Neopian Times reader, tirelessly and scientifically calculated around the clock with the knowledge of the position of Neopia, the stars, Kreludor, the Virtupets Space Station, and other nonspecific celestial bodies that you learned about once in your third grade science class then promptly forgot about. That means that they will all definitely come true, Whether you like it or not! The writing desk here at Neopian Times is not responsible for any injury, loss of Neopoints, destruction of property, theft, abrupt visits from the Pant Devil, Thieves Guild, or Altador Cup Team Kiko Lake donation collectors, or other misfortunes that may befall you. And remember, even if you're feeling a little unlucky, good things are bound to come eventually, and bad times are just times that are bad.
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