After all, where would the Space Faerie be without Dr. Sloth? Hanso and Brynn without Xandra? Every single Neopian out there and that Mutant Kadaotie. Even Judge Hog has Mr. Chuckles.

Everyone loves the superhero, but it takes the villain to make it a great story. It is the villains that act. The agents of change. The ones that drive the heroes to greater heights.

The heroes are the ones who react. The ones who must stop them. You could say that there would be no heroes without villains.

That's what I wanted to be. I might just look like an unassuming Lutari, but I've always wanted to be a supervillain. To be an agent of change. To shake Neopia to its very foundations. I even have my evil laugh perfected.

There's just one problem.

Even though I have my own evil lair set up in the basement of my Neohome; even though I convinced my good friend Sharkseas the Jetsam to be my evil minion; even though I've perfected my dastardly smile and have my own supervillain outfit; even though I've mastered the evil laugh...

I have no hero to fight. I have no arch-nemesis.

Until today. Today was going to be the day I found my hero. Today, I would take the next step and become a Neopian legend that earned his place in the Gallery of Evil.

My first step to finding my new arch-enemy was...

What? Don't look so surprised. It's all about the presentation -- and, consequently, the location. I'm not going to make my mark on history in my basement. You can't make impressions from the safety of your own Evil Lair of Evilness and Other Evil Things... unless it was in a climactic final battle, and I wasn't at that part yet.

Of course, the word leisurely has certain implications -- things done lazily, without meaning. I was most certainly not meandering around to savor the fresh air. I had a purpose. A goal.

The walk to my destination also gave me a little last-minute practice on my dastardly swagger, too, which never hurts.

A successful villain is one that does his homework. He does the research. He makes sure he has every card he needs hidden in his sleeve before he plays his hand... and I intend to be successful.

After ten minutes of my rather dashing figure gracing the cobblestone roads, I finally reached my destination.

Neopia Central's market is a bustling hub of activity -- as good a place to stake out as any. I quickly made my way over to Kauvara's Magic Shop. There was a lull in business -- the Kau shopkeeper waited patiently as customers browsed through the leftovers of her most recent restock. The flow of things was simple here. When the goods got too low, she'd put out more potions. There would be a flood of buyers once she did, but trying to get noticed during that frenzy was nigh impossible. However, Neopets would crowd around in anticipation as her supply dwindled. Waiting, with nothing to grab their attention. The perfect audience.

Heroes are reactionaries. The best way to find one is to give them something to react to.

I got a few looks -- I was wearing my outfit, after all, specially crafted to awe and intimidate. It wasn't known yet, however... I wasn't known yet, and until I pulled this off, it was just another fancy outfit.

I nonchalantly purchased a Steam Jug and a Slippery Floor Potion from what remained on her shelves. It would speed up the crowds, and both of them would help with what I had in mind.

Well, what I had in mind, and what I'd painstakingly set up last night. I wasn't going to have this first real shot at villainy become a flop. I'd put too much work into this!

I waited as more Neopets crowded around the magic shop, anticipating the next round of Kauvara's goods. I mingled, I waited, I watched.

Like the rest of the shoppers, my eyes were glued on Kauvara when she finally turned around and made her way into the shop's back room.

Unlike the rest of them, I leapt forth and sprang onto the newly-vacated counter. My sable cape billowed around as I whirled back to face the crowd, staring up at me in what had to be panic and confusion.

"Citizens of Neopia Central!" I proclaimed, punctuating each word just so. "Remember this day! Mere minutes ago, you went about your day, buying your wares and going about your own business. What you did not know, however, was that I have planned, and schemed, and waited! At last, the time is now! Know my name, for it is I, The..."

One matronly Lenny, rocking a baby stroller back and forth, looked up at me with confusion and asked, "Is it really 'The Spilt Milk'? Wouldn't it be better to just be named 'Spilt Milk'?"

Some others in the crowd began to nod and murmur in agreement amongst themselves. Obviously what was needed here was a show of strength, which I soon provided. With lightning fast reflexes, developed on my Techo Says Home Version, I reached down and snatched the sticky, half-licked lollypop from the Lenny's baby. As the tot began to wail, I mockingly pronounced, "No need to cry over The Spilt Milk."

"Well, that wasn't nice," the Lenny said as she reached down for her baby.

"No," I agreed. "You might say it was downright evil." I gave the crowd a sample of my villainous laugh. With an eyebrow raised meaningfully, I asked, "Now, who amongst you will stop me?"

An elderly Ixi, her body shaking so uncontrollably that I feared her small glasses would fly off her face, took a step forward and said in a quavering voice, "If you don't give that child back his candy, I'm going to pinch your ear until it hurts." Looking around at the approving faces surrounding her, she added, "Until it hurts, I tell you."

I rubbed my face vigorously with both hands. This couldn't be my arch nemesis. There will never be a comic in The Neopian Times called "The Old Lady and The Spilt Milk." It was time to step things up. I took the corner of my sable cape into my hand and spun in a circle upon the counter. When I was once more facing forward, I tossed my Slippery Floor Potion down and waited for its effect.

With unbridled glee I watched as a blue Skeith lost his footing and fell back upon his fat tail. I saw two young Kacheeks, possibly sisters, scrabble at each other's arms to try and stay on their feet. I saw the Lenny mother hop gently up onto another counter with her baby to remove themselves from the mass of squirming, slipping bodies below.

Once more I demanded, my voice firm and booming, "Who amongst you will stop me?"

I saw a look of confusion, perhaps even of fear, pass over the faces on the crowd below. I saw the beautiful chaos that I had brought to these unsuspecting citizens. What I didn't see was who was sneaking up on me behind my back...

I must say that, though he wasn't as devilishly clean cut as I was, this brute could have, himself, been a villain. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. I wanted a hero! A hero, I say! "I'll take care of this. You get back to shopping," he growled as we passed back through the doors.

"Put me down this instant!" I growled. "You have no idea who you're dealing with! You have no idea what I am capable of yet!" I shouted as I tried to laugh maniacally to send terror down his spine, but this was cut off by him letting my cape suddenly slip through his fingers so that I fell to the ground. Quickly scrambling to my feet, I tried to straighten myself up, only to find that I was still being pulled away, with the brute using my cape like a leash. "This isn't very dignified!" I grumbled. "Prepare yourself, then! I have no choice but to show you my power--"

"Quit crying, Spilt Milk," the Zafara huffed, rolling his eyes as he said it.

"What?!?"

"I can't believe I would run into someone like you on my day off," he said with a laugh. "Just when I thought I had seen it all. I've seen cheap villains before, but--"

"Cheap?!?"

"But you're ridiculous."

"And just who are you, sir?" I grunted sarcastically, as if I truly cared for this oversized ruffian.

"Believe it or not, I make a business out of building better villains."

"Wait, what?" I stammered. "I-I've never heard of such a thing!"

He tugged on my cape, then said, "You wouldn't have. That's what makes ME so evil."

As he continued to lead me through the streets, attracting more and more stares, I began to realize just how big a fool I had made of myself. I gripped the hanging edges of my cape and covered my dashingly evil suit and followed along. "So, what is it then?" I huffed, "Are you going to turn me in to the police to cut off competition?"

"I could," he admitted, "but I wouldn't get much from it, be it reward or any kind of sense of justice... like I said, I make better villains. For now I'm just escorting you away from that embarrassment, but I want to make you an offer..."

"What sort of offer?" I hissed.

"For a price, I can make you into the villain you've always wanted to be."

"Is that so? You sound so sure of yourself. Have you done this before?" I asked, feeling cocky.

He flashed a sharp-toothed grin at me that somehow made me feel even smaller. "Have you seen the paper this morning?" he asked. Of course I had... after all, I wanted to be in it one day. "The front page -- that was my latest student."

I was dumbstruck. "Wait, you mean..."

"That's the one," the Zafara said with a chuckle. "Believe it or not, he was once just as clumsy as you. His costume was completely made of clay, and he could barely move in it. He fell over like a brick on his first evil speech."

I just stood there in disbelief, until I nearly choked from my cape being pulled along. He grunted at me.

"Well... the kid got better, all right. With my help, he became downright evil. No mere Pant Devil Attractors could stop him. Neopians started breaking out their best weapons, forgetting to save them for the war in Tyrannia," the Zafara spoke. "So, Spilt Milk, do think you can be as great as Clay Brick?"

I blinked in wonderment at him. As great as Clay Brick?

"Of course! But, um, my name is The Spilt Milk, not just Spilt Milk."

The Zafara rolled his eyes and dragged my along...

The Zafara stopped suddenly, causing me to bump into him. I muttered a quick apology, and he pinned me with a glare that made me feel like the idiot he probably thought I was. "To my evil lair, nitwit," the Zafara said.

"Oh."

A couple of shady alleyways later, we were making our way down this gorgeous little mountain path just north of Neopia Central. The shops were gone, all replaced by trees and little critters roaming between them.

I vaguely contemplated changing my name from The Spilt Milk to The Invincible Kadoatie (I mean, who isn't scared of those ugly things?), but I decided in the end that I'd better stick to The Spilt Milk. Name-changing villains never managed to stay in the spotlight. Just look at Doctor Sloth -- the second he became the Happiness Faerie, he got defeated. By an actual faerie.

"Here we are," the Zafara said, hauling me up in front of a rustic little cottage in the middle of a clearing. The flower and tree background made it look like somebody's summer house, not an evil lair.

"This?" I gasped.

"Don't judge," the Zafara said, disgruntled. "Rent is high, wages are low... you do the math."

He slammed open the door, not even bothering to knock. Then again, it was his house.

"Welcome," he said grandly, holding up an arm, "To Dusty Broom's Home for Imaginary Villains!"

"Imaginary?"

"Don't deny you're otherwise," muttered the Zafara -- Dusty Broom -- as he clicked on the light.

Inside there were ten chairs, arranged in a circle.

"What's that for?" I asked curiously.

"Villain counseling," Dusty Broom said. "It's highly effective. Oh, and get this -- Clay Brick's coming in as a guest speaker today."

"Are you serious?!" I exclaimed. Clay Brick had become something of a role model to me in the last few minutes.

"Sure," he replied, "but you know, guest speakers are expensive. You can come, but only if you pay a price..."

"Well," Dusty Broom said, musing to himself. "That depends."

"On what?" I frantically asked. I really wanted to see Clay Brick in person, and possibly become just as great a supervillain as he had.

"How much have you got?"

The color from my face drained. Did I really have to tell him I was poor?

To my surprise, Dusty Broom started laughing. "Don't worry, I'm just yanking your chain. A supervillain needs a bit of cash to get him started off, so I won't take everything you've got."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe I wouldn't have to admit it to him.

"But," he said, "there's still the matter of your payment."

I held my breath. What kind of payment was he talking about?

"There are four options. Option one is you don't pay me at all. Essentially, get out. Option two is you pay me right now with cash... lots of it. Option three is you get me a rare and valuable item, which I can then sell."

I scratched my head. I didn't want to leave, and I certainly couldn't afford option two or three. I needed option four to be my saving grace.

"Option four," Dusty Broom said, "is a bit different."

I held my breath. What would it be?

"Option four is that you become a famous supervillain and pay me back when you become rich and famous. I do-"

"Option four," I blurted, not letting him finish his sentence. I didn't even think about it; that definitely sounded like the perfect choice.

"Alright, then," he said. "I'll show you around for now, because the rest won't be here for a few more hours still. It needs to be the dead of night so no one can hear us."

He started walking to the back of the room, toward a long dark hallway. I reluctantly followed him, wanting to stay in that room until Clay Brick arrived, but Dusty was beckoning me to me to follow him and I didn't think defying him would be the smartest idea. After all, I don't think my Steam Jug would be much help here.

Dusty Broom showed me around the small cottage, and after actually getting into it, the different aspects of being a supervillain turned out to be quite interesting.

A long time passed, with Dusty Broom telling me all about the risks and jobs of a supervillain. After giving me a few ideas for my first evil act, he led me back into the first room.

A knock on the door occurred shortly after we walked in. We walked over to the door, and Dusty opened it with a wide grin. The cheery white-painted wood swung open to reveal...

I stiffly stood in place as the nimble Mynci swung himself into the room. He flipped in mid-air and then landed faultlessly on his feet. Dusty Broom continued to beam at his partner in crime.

"Dusty, we--" the Mynci began, but stopped short when he noticed me. I flashed him a confident smile and stepped forward to introduce myself. Before I could even process what was happening, however, I landed flat on my face. Dusty broke into a laugh. Claude remained impassive, though, his eyes still trained on me while I hoisted myself to my feet. Oh, splendid! I'd just made a complete fool of myself in the presence of one of the greatest villains of our time!

I recovered my formal disposition and bowed before Claude, who had quite a fashion sense. He was dressed in embroidered garments (something you really wouldn't expect to see on a bandit, I might add) with a stunning array of colors. I had never seen Clauden in person, nor had I ever seen him in the paper. He was too nimble to be caught in the spotlight, which brought me to the conclusion that this attire MUST not be his true villain costume.

"Claude Vestaude!" Dusty Broom boomed. "A pleasure to see you. Why, you're here early. The conference isn't until much later."

"Dusty, there's something I need to inform you of," the anxious Mynci pressed, fortunately shifting his gaze away from me and looking at the Zafara. "It's Clay Brick. Something's happened..."

"Caught? What do you mean, caught?" the Zafara bellowed.

"I mean he's been caught. Jailed. Sent to the big house."

"How?" Dusty bellowed again.

"I'm not sure; I saw him being dragged through the street." The Mynci fingered his cloak as he spoke.

"Just great. If he's not here for the conference, then I'll be broke. What are we going to do?" Dusty moaned.

"Why don't we save him?" I asked. It was the perfect solution. They both looked at me for a minute, then they started laughing.

"You want to break INTO jail? Man, Dusty... this one needs work," Claude said as he laughed.

"I'm serious," I said indignantly. "Think. Claude, you could create a hostage situation and draw everyone's attention while Dusty and I bail him out." Dusty took a good look at me.

"Get off the floor, Vestaude. The boy's got a plan," the old Zafara said as he picked Claude up.

"Really?" Claude and I asked at the same time. It seemed we were both in the same state of disbelief.

"Really, but we're going to need all of our trainees for this..."

"Are you absolutely sure?" Claude reiterated. "Because... after all, you taught me everything I know, and I could just as well grant you the income you could have otherwise earned through the conference and we could forget about this whole--"

"Come on, Claude!" I suddenly interjected, summoning up my courage. "Where's your spiteful spirit? Your malignant mindset, your domineering sense of disaster?" I wasn't sure where the words were coming from -- from some subconscious thought, some inner Clay Brick, perhaps -- but they seemed to be getting the message across. Gradually, a smile came to Claude's mouth and his eyes lit up.

"By Jhudora's Daisy, you're absolutely right!" the Mynci shouted with shocking revelation as he slapped his hand to his forehead. "What's the fun of being a villain if you don't step at least seventeen feet over the line every once in a while?" He smiled at me.

I beamed back at him.

"Alright!" Dusty started with a grin. "As I said earlier, we'll need all the trainees. Modifying your plan slightly," he continued, pointing at me, "we might just have something totally viable..."

Dusty got the word out, and almost immediately villains started assembling in his quaint and unassuming premises. It felt like some kind of comic-book convention, with all these strange individuals in costume... but here, the villains were praised rather than the heroes. (Also, it lacked a large amount of the Seekers who often flock to those sorts of things.)

I stared at the incoming crowds and grew more excited by the second. Sure, there were the lesser-known villains in much the same group as myself, though every once in a while someone particularly famous would walk into the room.

"There's the Iron Pencil!" I whispered emphatically, pointing at the Aisha. "And the Caught Cold!" I practically gaped at the Usul. I then shrieked as a certain Bori walked into the room. "And the Filthy Bottle! Ahh!"

Dusty rolled his eyes at me many times that day.

Finally, when it appeared as though everyone had arrived, the well-known Zafara called for action. There were so many there, and I was surprised -- apparently, anyone who's anyone among Neopia's elite villainy had some connection to what may be my future mentor.

"Hello, everyone," Dusty started, a grave expression on his face. "As... many of you know by now, our dear friend and one of our very well-known community members, Clay Brick, has fallen into enemy hands."

There were a few gasps from the crowd, and some even sobbed at the thought. I heard the Gangrenous Glitter murmur from behind me, "My, if it can happen to him, then it can happen to anyone."

I nodded my head silently in agreement.

"Regardless," Dusty Broom continued, "we are going to break him out." He then gestured for me to walk up and stand beside him.

In front of all those villains...

Mustering my courage, I walked out in front of the congregation, to applause. I eased.

"This little, er... 'anti-hero' here," the Zafara announced, pointing at me, "is one of my newest encounters. He is Split Milk -- remember that name, for he will one day be as famous as Clay Brick."

By now, I was drooling with excitement and didn't even care that he didn't preface my title with the word "The."

"He came up with the plan to break Clay out, and I modified it to ensure maximum efficiency -- in essence, we need you to go about and wreak general havoc. In the meantime, with all your heroes and the other 'peace officials' chasing after you, Claude Vestaude and I will break into jail and retrieve our captured comrade. Spilt Milk, at the moment, is a little too inexperienced to be on such an invaluable heist..."

I found this slightly insulting at first, but at least he was transparent about it. I also realized that he was pretty much right.

"...So, he can stay here and oversee operations. Now, everyone, break!"

And that was that. The villains all left Dusty's tiny abode, and the streets of Neopia Central soon ran rampant in terror.

Wishing me well, Dusty and Claude left the room.

I waited all alone for a while. It got quite monotonous, so I decided to venture outside and observe some destruction. While I knew that a great deal of it would be around the city, I figured there must be something going on this far north.

To my astonishment -- and I gazed in both directions -- nothing had traveled this far out. I hoped that the plan had successfully worked in diverting the heroes away from the jail long enough to get Clay Brick out.

I then saw a young Gelert appear over the horizon line.

"You there!" she called, wearing a starry shirt and red pants. A grey-fur cape flew behind her as she quickly approached.

My eyes bulged and my mind raced. "Hi?" I tentatively called back.

She came up beside Dusty's house. "Hello, evil," she said with a slight accent. "I am Luminary Lila, and I'm here to defeat you, Dusty Broom. I know that you're behind all of the chaos in the Central district."

This strange Gelert appeared to have really nothing of which to "defeat" anyone... but I played along.

"Er... I'm not Dusty Broom," I said with a slight laugh.

Her tension resolved. "Oh. Well... do you know when he'll be back?"

"Look," I said, hiding my excitement, "I AM a student of Dusty Broom's, and I AM also the one who initiated the wave of chaos across Neopia Central."

She gaped. "Er... do you have a hero to oppose yet?"

I attempted to remain calm and serious. This was my chance! "Um," I started casually, scanning her, "no, not at the moment. And, why not? Having a hero could be fun!" I quickly grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the address to my lair. "Here's the address to my Evil Lair of Evilness and Other Evil Things, in the event you want to drop by," I concluded with a charismatic grin.

She beamed, and I watched her walk back down the path to Neopia Central. "Yay!" she cheered. "I've a villain!"

As soon as she was out of sight, I did pretty much the same thing. "Yay! I've a hero!"

About an hour later, Claude and Dusty returned. They looked solemn.

I frowned. "What happened?"

The Zafara spoke first. "It's Clay Brick. He's..."

My heart pounded in my chest.

A familiar Blumaroo then stepped forward from behind the two.

"...Right here!" Dusty finished.

"You, there, Spilt Milk," Clay started (and I decided then and there that I might as well drop the "The"), "from what Dusty has told me -- and my, is he rarely mistaken -- it was your idea today that helped get me out of the big house. You may have saved my life, allowing me to impersonate and thieve another day."

I grinned at him.

"So, I want to work alongside Dusty with you, and together we can REALLY mold you into a force not to be reckoned with."

He reached out his hand to shake and I quickly accepted it. With his other hand, he gave me a sack of Neopoints. "Here's 10,000 NP," he continued. "Take it to... live your life, I guess." The Blumaroo smiled.

I was practically speechless as I accepted it. "Thank you, sir," I squeaked.

"See you here next week at seven," Dusty commanded. He shot me a crooked grin. "You've earned it, kid."

Walking back to my lair, I thought of all the things I could buy with the NP. I'd probably use it to refurbish my evil lair further -- you know, put up some more lights, or a plaque commending me as Villain of the Month, or... maybe a sandwich bar.

It was a very good day.

Well, look at that. The story's pretty much done. You now know how I received my superhero, and how I even saved Clay Brick!

Luminary Lila comes by about four times a week, sometimes more frequently. Ah, we always have a splendid time together!

Just yesterday, she successfully destroyed the Milk Ray Gun I was working on! Oh, but she'll be in for it tomorrow, when she sees my weapon capable of rocking all the baby carriages a mile away, but super fast as to cause mild annoyance for the child! (Yes, that was inspired by the Lenny.)

They say that every good superhero needs a good supervillain -- and, for the villain, the opposite is also true.

So, good luck out there, all you future villains! Remember that above rule -- also, if you can afford it, splurge for the sandwich bar. It's surprisingly convenient...

The End