A View Long Lost

      I twisted around to see the culprit-- a nearby plank was dangling from the wall and the nails were starting to poke out. I shoved the plank back into place and leaned over to grab my sewing kit from a stool by my bedside. I wanted to shout in frustration about the curse making everything around me fall apart, but then I remembered Tavi was asleep near the window. It would be awful to wake her for no reason. She had insisted on staying with me for a while when I let it slip that the nightmares had been even worse than usual.

     Most of the time the rain and its creeping dread would fade away after a short while. Not always, though. That gave me plenty of time to think while I sewed and waited for it to pass. That was a bad thing. Memories of iron, pain, and geas flared through me despite my best efforts. An errant feather from my back fell beside the spool of thread. The ritual that clipped my wings. The tear was nearly mended. I looked down to check my work and sighed as I saw my dress had been torn too. The treachery of sunlight on my skin. I took a sharp breath and prepared a new strand of thread. Soon I heard a lantern flame spring to life. Tavi had woken up without a groan. I nodded at her and saw in a glance that her eyes were bright. Too exhausted to even know how many days had passed since I last slept.

     I wished that thoughts of worse times weren’t always lying in wait for me. I tried to focus instead on the gentle flicker of the lantern and putting on something like a smile to properly greet Tavi with. “Morning. I wasn’t expecting you to be up so early…”

     “I guess I’m too excited about the next adventure to sleep.”

     She had a map sprawled out on the rickety table in front of her and a pile of scrolls from her last trip to the library. The map was paw-drafted and showed, in varying detail, a large sprawl of caverns rumoured to contain unusual magic. The caves were too small for Faeriekind to explore, but no issue for an agile Kyrii. She’d be setting out soon again. I knew we weren’t likely to find anything helpful from this, but Tavi was convinced otherwise.

     “Is going through caves you have seen already an adventure?”

     “Yes. I’ve barely made a dent. The more paths I explore, the closer we are to finding the rock formation described on these scrolls.” Her voice was warm and assured as she explained where she would be going and how long the journey should take.

     After Tavi filled me in, she went back to her planning and I to my sewing. It still felt strange to not be alone. I was glad that she was willing to stay with me, that she was helping me search for leads that could get me a new name, even if it had been utterly useless so far. While I was probably beyond fixing, my dress was not. My hands sewed a new patch over the hole in my dress but my mind spun with the lock’s promise that I would be pursued again. I couldn’t shake the feeling that none of this was really over.

     My mending was done for now. I put my sewing kit away and moved away from my bed. I glanced out the window, over Tavi’s sleeping bag, to see if the rain was letting up. It was not. The plants in the glade were bent under the weight of the rain and grey clouds had swelled to completely block out the sky. The colours of Faerieland were dulled below as the clouds hung large and angry, but I was inside: safe.

     I reached to pull the moth-eaten curtains back to block out the storm. The thunder rang out like a punch in the gut. Half of a scream escaped my mouth as time lost all meaning and memories overwhelmed my thoughts.

     I was waiting helplessly in the dark. She would be back soon to torment me, or the warped, hollow thing that had become of me. The thin puddles of rain showed me that I did not look like myself. Insectoid forms had overtaken my reflection. The protruding antennae stood tall as I hugged myself and shivered. A sickly pallor had drained all the warmth from my face.

     I tried so hard to escape that memory and recall what I looked like before. There was a time before all of this, as much as those days were so fuzzy to recall. I was once a shimmering, golden sight. I could move about the world so freely and magic was in every fibre of my being. I was happy. I was radiant, turning the colours of those around me even truer. My feathery wings were an oddity but they were my own. I’d never blend into a crowd, even in one with other faeries, but back then I didn’t mind it. I had friends. It was a sunny day and my wings were extended fully in flight. It was sunny. I was sunny.

     Then I remembered the inescapable ache of what sunlight feels like with no cover.

      I was on the floor of the cage and all hope was gone. I had less than nothing. The dress that I was captured in, once comfortable and beautiful, had changed to barely-functional rags. The mountain wind carried away the few feathers that still fell from my back. They glided through the metal bars to freedom while I was trapped in the blistering heat. The sun was cruel. Daylight turned the iron bars red-hot and I curled myself up in the centre of the cage to avoid brushing against them. I wanted to cry so badly.

     I noticed then that I was crying. At some point I had lowered myself onto the sleeping bag and Tavi was sitting beside me with a concerned look and ears pressed back against her cap. I was far too aware it was not the first time I had been in distress and she showed up to save the day.

     “Oh... Hello, Tavi. How’s your research going?”

     She breathed a sigh of relief and offered a paw. I took it with my own shaking hand. Her grip was soft and sturdy. It was a comfort to have her beside me, but I felt on another level there was a chasm between us. I was afraid that if I met her eyes then she would see the visions flashing before my own and I would hurt her. With my magic gone, that fear had no backing. For now, I had someone who cared beside me.

     “Hey, come back to me,” she said gently, “You are safe here. My friend, come back to me.”

     Was this crumbling house actually safe? Did Tavi mean it when she called me her friend? She smiled gently, her ears were pressed forward once more, and her red mane was the brightest blaze of colour. A pang of envy surged through me, and then a flood of guilt for thinking that way, and the tears fell faster. The thoughts were seizing me once more and I felt my grip loosen until my hand had fallen away. I was so close to losing her entirely.

          “I saw how much you wanted to leave,” the words escaped.

     “Wait, when?” There must have been bitterness in my voice as she looked hurt and confused.

     “I was so close to being there forever.” I was trapped as the plaything of a faerie acting on every terrible whim. Working in tandem with the mountain itself to make my life a living nightmare.

     The sleeping bag shifted as Tavi twisted herself around and stood to be at my eye level. She fiddled with the ring keeping her fringe out of the way as she opened, closed, and opened her mouth again. It was never easy to talk about.

     When she spoke, it was wistfully, “No, no. I was scared but there was no way I could leave you like that. Anyone would have made the same choice. Even if I had taken a different route that day, there would be plenty of mountain climbers out there.”

      “And plenty of mountains,” I winced. “What were the odds that you were climbing the exact same mountain I was trapped on?”

     “Based on how it played out? A hundred percent. Look outside. It’s not raining any more.”

     When I turned around, I saw she was right. Time on the outside would move quickly when I got like this and it had been enough for the storm to pass. There was not a raindrop falling and the sky was tempered with fluffy white clouds. I could even see a rainbow over the glade when I tilted my head. The plants had sloughed off most of the water and were standing tall and vibrant again.

      “I have an idea,” she declared, breaking my short reverie, “That market I get my climbing supplies from had this new tinkerer setting up shop all the way from Brightvale to sell mechanical wings. I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case the poster was wrong-- it did list the location as ‘look for the giant robot’ with two exclamation points-- but it had the Seekers’ seal on it. We should check it out together. Even if this seller is a dud, a change of scenery will be good for you. You shouldn’t need a name just to fly.”

     That she wanted to go anywhere with me was reason enough to go.

          ***

          It was admittedly a great day for a trip. Once the rain had let up, the air was neither hot nor cold and the sun was neither shrouded nor blinding. The breeze drifted along lazily. It was peaceful enough until we actually stepped foot in the market plaza.

     The spot was bustling. Voices bounced in all directions and bodies shouldered through the crowd. It was loud and full of strange smells: fruits and vegetables I’d never tasted, extremely old books, new cloth, fragrant tinctures and machine grease -- all carried by the wind right to my antennae. There were endless rows of stalls with colourful banners hanging off the front. It was beautiful. It was all too much.

     I found myself frozen in place, eyes darting in search for a way out of the throng. I was not used to being surrounded by so many people. The passersby swarmed below, threatening to knock me to my knees. The kind ones would pity me, the cruel ones would mock me for my uselessness. As I frantically looked around, I saw a great glass dome with a complex array of gears. It led down to the towering mass of metal that was the advertised robot. The posters weren't some careless prank after all.

     Tavi pulled me aside, near a booth that smelled of sawdust and had artistic wood carvings. “So, that’s definitely the robot we are looking for. Just putting this out here-- do you want me to see if we can get that robot to clear a path for you?”

     “Oh, please, no.” I whimpered at the thought, “That will put everyone’s eyes on me.”

     “That’s fine. The market isn’t closing soon so we can just go as slowly as you need.”

     We ventured on at a slower pace until we stopped at a booth with fresh-cut flowers laid out in woven baskets. They were colourful but since they were cut, they were dying. Even so, the scent was much better than the hodge-podge elsewhere in the market. Tavi bought a little bundle of them-- purple larkspur and yellow iris tied with a thin orange ribbon-- as a gift for me so that the second half of the walk would not be as taxing. I clutched the flowers to my chest and pressed on. It made a noticeable difference when the metallic smell became stronger and stronger as we approached our destination.

     When we arrived at the booth selling wings, there were two Neopians I hadn’t seen before. There was a young, bespectacled Kacheek seated just behind the counter beside a tophatted Lutari with a zigzag of mechanical wings.

     There was a massive array of different wings all laid out like a banquet. The wares hardly fit--though the booth was actually made of several pushed together with a thick cloth covering them-- but seemed carefully organised. Between the robot and the dazzling display before me, I didn’t stand out here.

     To my surprise, the young Kacheek was the one to greet us. “Hi, I’m Katie. Welcome! Are you here to look at wings?”

     Tavi nodded and introduced herself. I just nodded and wished I had a name to give. At least she hadn’t asked me how I was.

      “That’s a lot of styles,” Tavi said, sounding truly impressed, “How did you make all of these?”

     “It was a team effort! Mr. Cotterpin made the original model, these ones I made after he shared the first blueprint, and most of them we built together. See, Uncle told me I needed a landing mechanism before I could have Tiny back there throw me in a fight. Even when he’s charging it’s fun to just go anywhere with them. I can reach all the high shelves now and it’s great. Then I discovered I could use this new power to make sure everyone of every shape and size could fly,” her voice crescendoed, steepling her paws and tail swishing wildly.

     I tried to be optimistic about this, but I felt a bit sick with how casually she talked about flight. Was it possible now to gain it now as easily as it had been taken? Jennumara loomed above me with a hateful smile. This child believed there was something that could be done for me. I almost believed it too. Katie had the same bright red hair banded in green as Tavi, and a voice somehow even more brimming with life. Her world was so different from mine, but maybe that’s what I needed.

     “Mr. Cotterpin made sure I didn’t blow up the lab working with all those new parts. Everything took a whole lot of time and Faeriesteel, but look how great it came out! It took so much trial and error to get that first new prototype, and then even more to get the different models working. Making wings for a Draik is quite different from making them for a Jubjub, or even adding them to a wheelchair frame.

     “I tried other materials but they added too much weight for flight. The only drawback to Faeriesteel, other than the magnet thing, is extra time in the forge.” Reacting to a silent cue from Cotterpin, she clarified, “The 'magnet thing’ is you mustn't let your friend open their case of souvenir magnets near them, or anything similar. That’ll block the panels from moving right.”

     “Wait, isn't Faeriesteel really hard to come by?” Tavi asked.

     “Not so anymore, thanks to science! It’s easier when we buy the components in bulk and make our own. In the same way that casting iron one way can hurt your kind, it can instead be alloyed into faeriesteel. I love working with this stuff ‘cause forging makes it get stronger and keep its form better. It’s not only resistant to weathering but draws in magic from the environment so it keeps its power. For this project, it’s just the best! We usually fit these for Neopians but I can’t think of any reason we shouldn’t be able to find a pair for you. ”

     The Seekers were worth a try, at least. “Okay. Let’s do this.” I said, and I handed the flowers back to Tavi.

     It was a blur as the two gave us an overview of all the different wings being sold. The models seemed interchangeable by the time it was over. Then the older inventor produced a measuring tape, and the two moved next to me to take a series of measurements. Katie was standing on the chair to reach and it was rocking on the cobblestone. Tavi rushed forward and grabbed the back of it with her free paw.

     Katie reviewed the measurements and picked up a streamlined set of wings from the centre of the booth. “This is a top-of-the-line model that allows for long flights and requires little maintenance. Do you want help putting it on?”

     “You’re the expert. Go ahead.”

     They clicked the straps into place. My panic was rising when the first pair didn’t fit at all, though the body I was stuck with was so strange that it made sense it wouldn’t work. The frame hung too loosely and the panes of the wing were far too narrow and felt like metal bars against my back. The Seekers saw my widened eyes and quickly unfastened the set.

     The next attempt was a pair designed for ease of gliding. The shape of the wings felt a lot more natural, but the rigging was rough and scratchy. On scale, feather, or fur, it would have kept it from slipping and offered good security, but on my shoulders it just felt like prickly vines. The base of the prosthetic pressed directly on the tender spot where my wings were always futilely trying to regrow. The panes shifted in a way that felt wrong but I probably could adjust to. I could tolerate this pair for longer, but after a few moments, the scraping of the straps on my shoulders and the weight against my spine became outright painful. Oh, it hurt, but it wasn’t done on purpose.

     I undid the rigging and sighed. “This isn’t working...”

     “What’s wrong?” asked Cotterpin, taking back the second pair.

     “Nothing fits. And it hurts.” I rubbed my sore shoulders and back.

     “I’m glad you told me. Between Katie and I, we should be able to work up something that will fix both those problems.”

     They alternated being at the booth and tinkering beside the robot.

     Katie presented the finished modifications triumphantly. “This set is curved to accommodate fluffy Eyrie manes, so it shouldn’t press, and we can put a cushion in there so it doesn’t gape either. We’ve swapped out the grippy straps with the kind we use for Nimmos-- that’s a nice strong cloth webbing-- but the adjustable buckles we use for Chias so we can get a secure fit with different amounts of padding.”

     I started crying when I tried it on. This time, it was a perfect fit. The shape against my back felt familiar and yet so strange. It was like it had been crafted just for me. As I adjusted the straps, it reminded me of the mending I had done earlier that day in the way that it took careful adjustment to make everything line up the way it needed.

     “They fit, but …how do I use them?”

     “You need to practice flapping when you are in the air to get your body used to it again. Once it is natural to you again, you’ll be able to take off from the ground, but you gotta get that muscle memory back. To go airborne when I’m testing them I usually have Tiny throw me. Do you want to try it before you go?”

     I shook my head rapidly. Even if I had adjusted to the new wings more, that seemed like a quick way to wind up face-down in the dirt.

     Katie shrugged. “It’s efficient, but not for everyone. If you’d rather propel yourself, the playground has a bunch of things to climb and soft places to fall on if it doesn't work right away.”

          ***

     I practiced with Tavi for several days when the playground was nearly empty. I hadn’t left the house so frequently in the longest time. Though It was built for much smaller bodies to play on, there were still a few places I could move around. By training, I was able to get the wings to respond to me. The flowers at home had wilted before I felt ready enough to attempt some real flight but it finally felt in reach.

     I stood crouched on the rooftop. Since my own roof wasn’t built for climbing on, we went to the top of the library. The distance to the chimney above seemed vast. I hadn’t mastered vertical take offs yet, but this is what I had been training for. The drop from the roof to the streets below was even more dire. I couldn’t fall as long as I stayed calm. The mountain peaks hid the iron cage from above and plunged down below. I was trapped forever in the skies that had been taken from me I had to stay calm.

     “I’ll be even higher up if I can reach the chimney.”

     “Not if, when. It’s okay to be scared. It’s a big change to be able to fly again. But I’ve seen you move through the air. You got this.”

     “I think the people below are staring.”

     “We’re in Faerieland. Taking the elevator up doesn’t make it weird to be on a roof. No one is looking except for me, and that’s because I’m spotting you even if you don’t need it.”

     I focused on building a steady pulse, and I could feel air shifting around me. I leaped. The roof didn’t rise up to meet me but pulled away as I followed the line of the chimney upwards. I was going too fast and about to crash right into it, but instead it was just my feet that made contact at the highest point. I teetered for a moment, about to take a dive, when I bent my knees and narrowly managed to correct myself.

     I was shaking, but I had made it. I had really made it. I fluttered my mechanical wings while perching on the edge of the chimney, and for a moment it was like time had unwound and my own wings had never been taken.

     On the very top of the library, I cheered down to Tavi, my wings moving as an extension of myself. “Keep watching,” I exclaimed as I leaned forward and launched into a tentative flight from one tower to the next. The ground kept its distance as my wings caught the breeze. I launched off again to the highest pillar I could find. It was time to move beyond pillars. I flew onward through the skies of Faerieland.

     As I flew, and the pinks and purples of the buildings blurred around me, I realised that Tavi was right. I didn’t need a name to fly. I was still cursed, but not alone. I was still grey, but moving freely through the sky once more. It was harder than it once had been, but so was everything. It was still flying, really flying.

     Faerieland had changed too since so much had been taken from me, but at its core it was the same familiar land I had flown through a lifetime ago. I flew onwards as Tavi waved at me from the rooftop below, looking down at a view long lost.